I’m dreading tomorrow. It’s going to be a month without him and that’s the longest time we have been away from each other in the past 4.5 years. No idea how i’ll take it, but for now back to the day when I found out he was gone forever.
12th August 2015
They said I could see him at 2 when they would have done the postmortem and we could take ‘the body’ (that’s what they called him!) for cremation. But official procedures take time and it was almost 3 yet nothing was moving. Finally someone called and said they’ll let us see him at the morgue. (All this time people were calling, but I don’t recall what they said or who spoke to me).
We reached the hospital and waited outside the morgue. After a short discussion, they opened the cold storage. He lay there as if he’d just had a bath. Just as I saw him standing at the door yesterday. His track pants were a little askew and I could see the Jockey’s peeping out. There was no scratch on him, no dirt, he looked fresh and pink. Except that the tray that held him was full of blood. He had only one injury at the back of his head; the one place i’d prayed god to spare him. He had a smile on his face, and one eyebrow cocked up in that perpetual i-am-up-to-some-mischief expression that was his trademark. It felt like he’s going to get up any minute and say this was some horrible joke that he played on us.
But he didn’t get up. And I don’t know at what point in time I started howling – it felt like it was someone else doing that.On the other side of the tray, his mother was crying. I wanted to take a picture, but someone had my phone. I touched him and he was so cold and hard. I ran my hands on his body, while this person-that-I-wasn’t howled away. I wanted to dip my fingers in his blood, to take some of it with me. I wanted to kiss him madly. But before I could do any of that they shooed us out as we were ‘creating a scene’.
I stepped out with that image forever imprinted in my brain. I didn’t need that camera finally!