The test that’ll tell me if I still had a piece of him

17th August 2015

In the last few weeks I was forcing myself to eat, take medicines on time, and generally focus on keeping the baby/babies. I had told a few friends but not the parents. I wanted to come home after the BHCG test results and tell his mother that he’s still there – growing as a baby inside me.

I wasn’t supposed to leave the house till the ritual 12 days were over – it was only 6 days to 17th. G and I were supposed to go get the test done together. He was supposed to be home by 16th so he could take me to the clinic. But nothing that was ‘supposed to happen’ would happen now.

His brother took me for the test, I think he wanted it to be positive as much as I did. We went to one clinic and gave a blood sample. But we weren’t sure of the facilities in the small town; what if they screwed it up? So we went to another clinic and gave another sample just to match the results. They said it’ll take 4 days – we couldn’t wait that long. I had to call my doctor today! So later in the morning, a little fidgety, we went to another clinic and gave a 3rd blood sample. One result would come in the afternoon and another later in the evening.

His brother brought home the report in the afternoon, the BHCG reading was 2. I didn’t have a scale to measure it against, so we didn’t know the outcome. There was no internet connectivity to check. So we called my doc and told her the result. She said it’s negative and asked me to stop my medication. I told her we were in a small town and the results may be wrong. She asked me to call again with the other report.

In the evening my BIL came back with the 2nd report. I was pacing the house waiting for him and ran outside as soon as his car came in the driveway. I looked at him and he shook his head. I smiled and said “you are joking right”, and he said “no”. He handed me the report and walked inside. The BHCG reading was 6. I called the doc again, and she said it has to be a minimum of 100 to be a positive test.

I had had my 2nd loss in less than a week. He was gone and so were his babies. There was nothing I had to give back to his mother either. I couldn’t stop the tears or the pain, but I didn’t want others to witness it. So I ran in and closed the door and howled. Everything was so wrong. How can everything go away in such a short time? I needed that baby, I needed him and I didn’t have anything left. My BIL and his wife came in; they said I shouldn’t cry. Perhaps I had another chance? With him gone, could I still try for his baby?

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