I don’t remember when the nightmares started. I couldn’t sleep in the initial days. One because I saw him in the cold storage as soon as I closed my eyes and two, because if I did manage to sleep awhile i’s be up by around 3:00am. That was the time, if he was out partying he’s come and wake me up.
He had to wake me, and talk to me and bug me about being hungry. No matter how much I told him to stay over at friends’ or eat out, he’s ALWAYS come home! Not anymore. Still, I felt that he’s back and i’d wake up. It was difficult to sleep again.
When I came back to Bangalore I had my first nightmare that I remember. I was having bad dreams, I knew he was in them, but I couldn’t recollect it when I woke up. Except for 3 till date:
- I was married to someone (I couldn’t see him) who was dying of a terminal illness. My sister was also in the dream and she was pregnant (she actually is). And I was decked up in almost like a wedding finery. This was because I was giving a dance performance soon. And all the time tears were streaming down my face. He was dying and she was tired and couldn’t keep up and I was running for the stage. And before I got there he was dead and she was left behind. And I woke up
- He was in a prison type place. Not an actual jail but somewhere he couldn’t escape from. This time I saw him clearly, wearing his favorite green T-shirt. And I saw from the side profile a tooth was missing. This was strange, because when he was alive he had all of them. They were going to hang him, I didn’t know for what. But I was desperately trying to get it converted to a life sentence. But I failed, and they hanged him and I woke up.
- This time everyone was dying. All the men at least. I don’t now remember how or who all. Only that his brother was alive and all the women were grouping around him. And then we were on a roller coaster and I woke up.
My counsellor says it’s my way of dealing with the loss – at least the suddenness of it. And a desperate attempt to hold on. I don’t really know. I wish the dreams went away. I wish I could sleep peacefully. Days are nightmarish enough!