We were back in Bangalore on 23rd August. Back, to an empty house. It was weird going there, seeing G‘s things lying around as he had left them – shoes, shades, worn T-shirts, some laundry; knowing that he won’t ever be back again to use them. The bed sheet was the same he had slept on last, but unlike what i’d read in books, I couldn’t smell traces of him. Perhaps the scent had also vanished with time.
The first thing I did was to book an appointment with my IVF doc. I just wanted to get started with making his baby, bring him back in to existence as soon as possible. His brother went with me, and that was my first public crying fit. As I entered the hospital I could remember all those trips we made together. How he would crack jokes at people sitting there and make me laugh to stop me from chafing at the wait. Then the tears wouldn’t stop.
We met the doc, and she was very sympathetic. But she dashed my hopes of a quick pregnancy. The one embryo we had left was average quality and it would not work, especially in my current state of mind. I had to first de-stress (how to do that I had no clue), perhaps lose some weight as I had PCOD. I had already lost 4 kgs in the 2 weeks, still I could lose more (64 kgs at the moment). Then we need to go for another egg retrieval and use the sperm sample to create more embryos. She also asked me to see a counsellor and a dietician to speed up the process if I so wanted. Of course I wanted to speed it up!
I have decided to go for multiple egg retrievals and freeze the eggs and after the 2nd or 3rd retrieval thaw the sperm sample. That way perhaps I will get more embryos. It’s not yet sure if the sperm sample, thawed once, can be refrozen. And I don’t want to take that chance. I cannot afford to take that chance. Now I can just hope this works – my only chance to get a piece of him.