Office puja happened today – prayers and offerings to the gods of good luck, prosperity & intelligence. I tolerated these rituals earlier, now I hate them. In the Hindu culture the ‘pair’ – husband & wife – called Joda, is very important. For all auspicious things the ‘pair’ leads in order of seniority. Singles stand by and watch.
I arrived at office – alone – wearing the same outfit I wore for G’s last rites exactly a month ago. Just him not being there was enough to make me sob (I think I’ve become quite a spoil sport, ruining good things for people with my crying fits). I am sure if he was there he’d have said in the funny dialects he kept mimicking – “madam, kya sahi office hai. Big shot ho gayi ho ab. Hume mat bhool jana!” (What a great office. Don’t forget me now that you are a big shot.)
Anyway, we all sat down and the puja started. Vermilion as I have said before, has special significance of good fortune here. And so the priest puts it on our foreheads before we start the prayers. I passed this time. Didn’t feel like putting it on. And I cried because I had to pass. Not that anyone asked me to. People – especially my mother – would have actually liked it if I had just put it. But I couldn’t. I didn’t even consider it. Sometimes when I think back on stuff I wonder if I am unnecessarily torturing myself. And then I think doing what feels right in the moment is ok.
By 4 pm I had a massive headache and my feet were hurting too. To top it all my phone stopped working. No big deal since anyway everything is falling apart. It’s strange that not having a phone can now make me feel so unsafe. It’s like, what if something happens and I can’t even call anyone! Being alone is not my cup of tea.
Finally the day is done – writing this from the bed, aching all over and with no hopes of getting a hug.