My mother has been hovering around me ever since G’s death; not leaving me alone for a minute. I thought considering what she’s been through herself, she’d know the difference between being alone and being lonely. She can fill the house with people, but she cannot fill the gap in my life.
Mom and I are on a parallel track now. She was divorced when she was 32, a year younger than I am. And I am left alone now. Before this, there was little similarity in what happened to us; life is strange that way. She had an abusive marriage, mine was a happy one. She left by choice, I was left no choice. She had 2 kids, I had none (or I lost 2 if you consider the failed embryo transfer). She walked out and thanked her stars, I am cursing mine. She had only horror to look back to, I have many happy memories.
But when I look at her life afterwards I am scared for myself. I have seen her struggle, breakdown, get back up and move on for us. She has carried her zest for life, but the many brickbats (in her day, divorce in India was taboo) have hardened her. She wanted a life of love, caring and appreciation for the arts. What she got was a horrid government job, and no one to even hold her hand and say I am there. She never remarried – she was worried a new father may not accept us. And now she is so lonely. I am scared that I will be a hard, bitter person too.
G & I always talked about getting her to marry again. Even now, 60 is not that old! We saw she feels left out everywhere and wanted to fill that gap. Now I am in the same boat. We are 2 lonely women, unable to offer solace to each other and I am dreading this life.
Loneliness – my biggest fear today.