The signs that mean goodbye

I now believe our lives are predetermined and we get signs that tell us when it’s time to say goodbye. The last few months with G were bliss. We didn’t realize it then, but something was making us happier.

We took our last trip together in April – went to Goa for a reunion with old friends. I usually am cranky about food, sleep and smoking in general and G & I would inevitably fight on evenings out. He loved to party and you couldn’t drag him away from one. This time I promised him (without him asking) that I won’t fight at all. This would be his trip to have as much fun with his friends as he wants. I am glad I made & kept that promise. It was a happy vacation.

I had never wanted babies and in May – without any rhyme or reason – I agreed to have one. We started our IVF journey in July. I am glad I did that too – at least he died knowing that he was going to be a father. The results weren’t out till then, but still I have something to hold on. Sometimes though I feel guilty – what if making a baby was the last thing he was supposed to do and by agreeing to have one I finished his to-do list? What if I had refused and he’s still be around?

In early July we had a family gathering that was fun too. And it was on the same road that he died. He met most of his friends the week before and even patched up old quarrels. He finished the paperwork of a house we were intending to buy and made the first sale of his real estate project. It was as if pending things were closing one by one.

Throughout these 2 months, I felt an urge to be close to him or touch him. If he was sitting i’d keep my hands or feet on him. If he was walking around the house I walked behind him. I don’t usually do this. Even he noticed and told me “kya hua hai? Itna pyaar to tumhe 15 saal mein nahi aaya” (What’s happened to you? You haven’t shown so much love in the past 15 years).

Even the day he was going he finalized the logo of another new venture he was starting. He never went to his parents’ house before going to the village – that day he did. Spent time with his nephew, his mom and his god. Told his mom he’ll come back and give her a very good news (the baby) and left smiling.

He was smiling till the last moment.

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4 thoughts on “The signs that mean goodbye

  1. I wish there were no goodbyes. It still hurts me to write words in past tense… Things like u were such a wonderful couple. I still find it unreal. You didn’t finish his to-do-list.. U gave him a reason to be happier than he had ever been. Hugs.

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  2. I know exactly how this feels. Trav and I were blissful the weeks leading up to his fall. I think back on the conversations we had and it is scary how everything was pointing to what was in the mail. Please don’t think you could have changed the outcome. You are not at fault. You were his love and now you are his legacy.

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    1. I am so sorry 😢😢😢😢. I read your blog and there are so many emotions and thoughts that I can totally relate to. How I’m not ok and am terrified of forgetting him! I know words are meaningless.. They don’t help, the don’t heal, often they annoy. So all I will say is grieve for him, you need it. Cry your heart out. Write. Do things that make YOU feel better. And most of all take care! XOXO

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