I’ve been really trying to be positive and not mull on how terrible my life is going to be without G. But there are a few things that I cannot stop thinking about, especially since i’m trying for a baby – the visits to the doctor that he’ll miss, the pampering I was supposed to have, the discussion about baby names, the 2 week wait together, the moment when the baby is born, the list is endless.
There are other things I may not have just because he is not there and me having this baby alone will create a controversy. Instead of a celebration, the process will be hush-hush. Instead of telling people we’ll be avoiding them. At least that’s what I think will happen. Who knows!
And I don’t care; at least I don’t want to.
But one of the things i’ll miss is the baby shower – the traditional one called Godh Bharai. We had one a few years ago for my sister-in-law – it’s basically blessing the mother to be and the unborn child. I don’t think it’ll happen for me, because G is not there to sit next to me – the pair is important; and I am missing my right half. It wouldn’t have mattered if we skipped the ceremony when he was there, because then it would have been a choice.
I’m probably rambling, but this has been in my head since the day I decided to try for the baby without him. And I had to get it out. It’s a long time still for the actual embryo transfer to happen and IVF isn’t known to be that successful. I’m just being an idiot.