The baby project – Phase 1: Counselling

A friend of mine lost her husband 4 years ago, she was then about the same age I am today. She was pregnant with her second child and could not grieve. So a few years later she went to see this counsellor who helped her move on. When I was advised to go for counseling, I decided to go to the same one.

I booked an appointment with Dr. P on a Wednesday morning. I was sure it was going to be a futile discussion. What will he tell me that I don’t already know? I walked in to his office at 9:00am and he asked me why I was here. And I promptly broke down – tried to blubber a few words but the poor guy couldn’t understand me. It was the first time I cried in front of a total stranger!

And it has been so for almost all the sessions i’ve gone to. I pay him 2000 bucks an hour to just sit there and cry. He mostly sits there in silence and occasionally asks me to ‘feel my feelings’. I have no clue how to do that! He thinks i’ve gone in to the freeze mode – one of the 3 reactions of our reptilian brain: Fight, Flight, or Freeze. That’s why he thinks I am unable to function normally anymore. And this is why I am spending hours just understanding one email. This is why I am so forgetful when once I remembered everything. He’s asked me to be conscious of this situation and force myself to focus when I go in to the freeze state. Well, not much success yet. To focus I must regulate my breathing, and honestly I have forgotten how to breathe.

He also thinks i’ve attuned myself over the years to laugh off anything that affects me. Possibly because of what happened to my mom. He wants me to stop doing that; i can’t. He wants me to cry a lot; I don’t have the opportunity. He wants me to break down, because that’s where we can start rebuilding; I’m not. He thinks there is a lot of anger lurking beneath; I am not so sure.

All in all, i’m not sure if this is helping. But if this is what it takes to have that baby, I will do it. Here’s to mental peace.

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