I am severely motion sick, so anywhere we go, I need to drive – not a problem since I loved to drive. G & I took a lot of short trips, and we went to his ancestral village often. I was always the driver. He cribbed a bit about it; he loved to drive as much as I did, and I always hogged the wheel.
Things changed after G’s accident. My hands shook and knees rattled every time I drove. I didn’t stop driving, it would be crippling to do that. I just became terrible at it – a jerky, weird driving. That I was blanking out while driving, thinking something, or crying didn’t help matters either. Things that I wouldn’t think twice about earlier like parallel park, reverse, overtake etc. became impossible.
And then I had to drive on a highway, with my 41 weeks pregnant sister! I was terrified; of the journey, of hurting her, of any mishaps on the road. For the first half an hour I kept fighting an impulse to turn back, to get off the car, or to surrender the wheel to her husband. Then I kept focused on the road – I was scared of blanking out again – and drove at a bare minimum speed. There was an urgency to get her to the hospital, she was getting regular and strong contractions; and there was this caution of driving extra carefully.
I managed to get halfway to our destination and then it got dark. We stopped for a short break and thankfully her husband offered to drive the rest of way. I gave up the keys and then sat in the back seat and cried silently the rest of the way. The effort and all that it implied had exhausted me.
But at least I tried, and I got somewhere. Maybe a day will come when I can drive our usual route again. At least I have made a start.