My first night alone at home

I knew the house would be empty one day. I was dreading it, and yet, honestly, asking for it to happen quickly. I knew it’s going to unhinge me, and I wanted that to be over with. I didn’t want this shock to upset my baby project and so I literally pushed people away. I had to deal with this, the sooner the better.

I had come back to Bangalore on Friday, and mom stayed back to help my sister with the baby. My in-laws were waiting for me at home, not wanting me to come back to an empty house. They stayed the weekend and went home yesterday afternoon. And then it was just me, and this big, empty house.

I turned on the TV – first time in the last 2 months – and found that 2 of G’s favorite movies (Inglorious Bastards and My Cousin Vinny) were on back to back on Star Movies. I settled down to watch. I loved ‘Inglorious Bastards’ too, but had never seen ‘My Cousin Vinny’ completely. G would put it on all the time and pester me to watch it, but I inevitably escaped. I saw it yesterday – it IS a good movie :).

By 10 the movies were done, dinner was done, and office stuff was done too (at least as much as I could do). And I wasn’t sleepy – not one bit. It’s not as if i’d never stayed alone. It’s not as if I’d not stayed alone in this house. But something was different – probably the feeling that i’ll ALWAYS be alone in this house. So I sat on our sofa and shed some tears, still unable to believe the enormity of this loss.

Things didn’t improve when I finally went to bed. I was never able to sleep when he went out on his trips. I would wait for him to come back home and then covered up on the lost sleep when he was around. We cuddled and slept, or at least a hand or foot was entwined. He’d take the whole bed though, and left me just a little corner to sleep on. I still sleep in that little space – the rest is empty. And I still turn to hug him; only to be disappointed.

After hours of tossing and turning, I couldn’t take the empty bed anymore. So I grabbed some clothes from my cupboard, put them on my bed, and covered them with a sheet. It looked as if someone was sleeping there. I just touched my toe to this make-believe G and slept – only to have another nightmare!

If this was day 1, I am not sure I can last too many.

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