I heard his voice

All these days i’ve been kicking myself for not having any video clips of G & I. We took a lot of photos, but never recorded anything. I’ve been wishing if I only had a small piece, at least I could show it to our baby and say “hey look, that’s your dad!”. And today I found it. Nothing about it is personal or intimate. It’s a testimonial we recorded for one of our clients.

I had completely forgotten that this clip existed. Today the client’s team visited our office and they were discussing some changes to their website and how they needed some videos out there. And someone mentioned this clip. I wasn’t a part of that meeting but I heard this part. And then I went looking for it in our company folders. It was there!

First I played it without any sound. We have an open office and there isn’t any room to go hide. I didn’t want anyone to know I was watching this. There he was, wearing a pistachio green T-shirt, with a hair band (he was growing his hair for a ponytail), talking away at the camera. I played it again and again and again – silently. I don’t know how many times. And I started crying. Because there he was, looking right at me; but I couldn’t get to him. Couldn’t touch him and couldn’t hear him. I was reading his lips!

And then I remembered the earphones i’d kept n my bag just this morning. I plugged them in and there it was – his voice in my ears – after 2 months! The sound quality wasn’t great, but it WAS him talking. Even if he was saying just some stuff about how good a software was! I only heard it once. I couldn’t play it again. By that time the tears had turned to sobs and the people who didn’t know were staring at me.

Do you know those silent screams? Where your throat is stretched, mouth is open, but no sound comes out. That’s what I did. I ran to the loo, and screamed silently, but the sobs were becoming audible and the tears wouldn’t stop. So I decided to leave and go home. Perhaps it was one of those moments where I had to cry it out. Packing my stuff was difficult because I could barely see and couldn’t even breathe.

My partners took one look at me, I said I am going home, they quietly handed me tissues, picked my bags and walked me to my car. They were worried that i’d drive in this state. But I cry while driving on a daily basis, so this was no trouble. I just sat inside for a while till I could start breathing again, and they waited outside. Finally drove off, reached home and sobbed in my pillow till there were no tears left.

I know i’m going to go back to that video. I know i’m going to listen to his voice again. I know one day i’ll stop crying when I watch it.

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