If I hear one more time that I should move on i’m going to scream. Well I’m not, but i’m going to feel like screaming. It’s just been 2 months! It’s impossible to ‘move on’. Heck! I don’t even know what that means! And while some of them are rushing me into it, others are appalled at how soon I am moving on! “She’s already going to office!” “She isn’t crying every time G is mentioned!”
You cannot control MY grief. You cannot decided how long I should grieve, how often I should cry and whether or not it’s time for me to move on. I know sometimes people say it only because there is nothing else to say. And sometimes they are worried about me. And some of them are just being horrid (it’s a minuscule number, the wide majority has been nothing but supportive – touchwood for that!).
I am worried too, that people may think of me a spoil sport. I don’t want to be a wet blanket when people want to have a good time. I don’t want to cry all the time and I don’t; I cry at my own time and I think that should be allowed and accepted. I can’t stop talking about him; I know it could be getting tiresome. And I try to consciously control it – not really successful at that for now.
But I want people to understand when I make that effort. My own mother was ashamed of telling people that I have gone back to work. It was too soon for a respectable mourning period. There isn’t a TIME for mourning. I will always mourn him, I just don’t have to make a public display of it.
I need time, and I need tears and I need his baby. And then perhaps I will ‘move on’. Till then, let me be.