Making a decision

It wasn’t just a small glitch in the baby project. It threatened to disrupt the entire plan. I don’t think I was ready to make a decision that quick about getting rid of my gall bladder. Any surgery, however minor, is bound to have side effects. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to deal with them away from home. Still, giving up on the treatment wasn’t an option. So after consulting many people, I decided to go ahead and get operated. And that’s when I realized the enormity of my loss. The things and emotions that followed would not have happened if only he’d been there.

The biggest question was who’ll come and stay with me while I get operated and then recuperate? A question like that wouldn’t be raised, because he’d be there to take care of me no matter where I was. He’d have stayed by my side, consoled me, joked with me about the pain, yelled at the nurses for incompetencies, pressed my aching head and generally sat around holding my hand. If he was there, there would be no question of who should be with her, or where should she stay. Whether it’s appropriate for her brother in law to stay with her or should her mom fly down. Will it be too much for relatives to take care of an invalid for however short a period, given everyone’s already busy life? That’s when you feel orphaned. As if you are taking time away from people, time that’s not yours like his was. I did cry about this a lot. I really felt alone and lost and really faced with a prospect of how difficult all this is going to be.

But my BIL was a support. He told me to shut up and stop listening to people. And he stayed with me for days, leaving his work and everything aside. He left today, when my mother came to join me. I didn’t want to call her. She is too troubled anyway. But I had to. I have another surgery due on Sunday – this time for egg retrieval – and I thought 2 in a week would be too much for me to handle alone.

I am back home now, sans a gall bladder and with 4 punctures in my abdomen. Still have to travel to the hospital for the IVF meds, and that’s a bit tiring. Rest should be ok in a week I guess. For now, in pain, weak and dizzy. And missing him!

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