Mind and Body

This topic had to come up one day, and as uncomfortable as I am writing about this, it has to be written. So warning right here, some of you may not want to read ahead (and some of you should not read ahead).

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Ok you are still here. So let’s plunge ahead. Anyone familiar with the process of reproduction (scientifically) knows that sex drive is associated with ovulation. It’s a game hormones play inside your body especially in week 2 of your cycle. Which is where I am right now. IVF pretty much screws up with your system – most people say it reduces libido in women. I don’t seem to have that privilege. Quite the opposite happened to me in the last IVF cycle – shot through the roof – and seems to be going the same way this time.

But the situations are so different!!!

While last cycle it was a cause of much amusement to both of us; this time it’s just a sick feeling. How does one think about sex after dealing with such a loss? When you know that life is never going to be the same again. You can condition your mind, but how do you condition your body? I didn’t need this added confusion right now. I didn’t need this sharp reminder of lack of physical intimacy when I am still trying to adjust to the fact that he’s gone from my life even when I still feel him around me.

And I don’t want to know that it’s never going to be the same again! We were the firsts for each other. And no matter how much one denies it, the first time does create a bond. Something you can never forget. If you have a chemistry – love happens; and stays. And we had it – it’s just sickening to write it in the past tense.

Last year, when I was still working, I was the only married person in a group of singles. Water cooler conversations did tend towards dates and potential sexual partners – something not too easy to venture in to in India. I was smug in the knowledge that I can always get home and find him there at the end of the day. That I didn’t have to subdue anything or wait for anyone.

And now there is just a lifetime of waiting ahead!

Stupid Hormones…

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2 thoughts on “Mind and Body

  1. I’m glad you wrote about this. Yeah I’ve heard how some get Superhero Libido and hey, that’s awesome for those women. For me, I wanted my libido so bad during the first IVF but with the nerves and hormones screwing with me physically and mentally (and an extraordinarily painful IUI this summer which involved a catheter scraping my miniscule cervix and scarring it), it was no fun. The first cycle failed so we took a month off, went to Paris, and my body thankfully returned to pre-infertility happies which was SUCH a relief. After a while you don’t know if you’ll ever feel normal again, so while we prepare for the next run, I have to remember that “this too shall pass” – but man, right around the holidays here in the US! Grrr…

    Liked by 1 person

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