Hey li’l one,
You are not even in existence right now, but one day you will be. And i’m told you’ll ask me questions. You’ll want to know why I brought you in to this world without a father? Why was I so selfish to want you when probably I wasn’t prepared for you? How am I going to spend enough time with you when I have to juggle with the double responsibility alone? Did I ever think about what’s going to happen to you if I was no longer there? After all, life IS so unpredictable.
I started this blog to keep a record of events and memories, so I would be able, later, to answer your questions. But I’m told that’s not going to be enough. Perhaps i’m not writing the right things and not preparing for the right questions. Honestly, I have no idea what you might ask me one day. And no idea who you would turn in to as a person.Perhaps you won’t love me for the questions people will ask of you. Perhaps you won’t love me because you’ll see this as a selfish decision at my end. Perhaps you won’t love me because I won’t be able to spend as much time with you. Or perhaps; you will.
Life is a chance we all have to take. There are no certainties. For now, your chances of existence are 40% – that’s the success numbers for IVF. Not exactly balanced in our favor, is it! But know this, at this point in time, there is nothing I want more than you. And there could be a lot of things making me want you. It doesn’t lessen the intensity of the want. And know this also, that once I get you, I will not spare any effort in raising you in the best way possible.
Some people think that leaving kids with maids, or relatives isn’t the best way of rearing them. Well I grew up without a father, with a working mother and in a much worse social situation. I did fine. And I’m sure you will too. I think the sooner we learn the lesson of independence the better it is for us in the long run. For you, it’s coming while you are just an idea. One that I am desperately hoping will become a reality.
And i’m going to be honest with you – I do have a selfish motive in bringing you to this world. You see, I had a right on your dad – one that I will never have on anyone else except you. One day when I am old, and sick, and tired, I hope you will find enough love in your heart to take care of me. I hope that test never comes, but again, one never knows. But that doesn’t mean I won’t love you. I do already. I even have your name ready, something that goes well with your dad’s name.
I know it’s going to be a really difficult life – for both of us. But I’m going to try and make the road smoother and I am sure things will work out. A plus point would be for you to have your dad’s temperament – an ability to laugh at everything. And we’ll be just fine 🙂