Your mind can be your worst enemy!
And if you have time on your hands… then god save you.
People keep telling me how brave I am – to be able to get back to work, start new things, organize his birthday party, and generally be normal. If only they knew how my head screws around with me :).
Things that were okay by me just a few months ago; things that I enjoyed or never thought twice about doing; have become guilt triggers. Should I attend the wedding? Should I touch the mehendi? Should I laugh? Should I dance? Should I forget about the hole in my heart and just enjoy myself? Should I put on lipstick or color my hair? Am I having too much fun? Am I too decked up? Is this suitable? Appropriate? Too soon?
Everything has become a question. And I have no answers.
I thought taking the approach of just-do-what-needs-to-be-done will help me avoid this mental backlash. But it doesn’t – I just suffer later! But at least I end up doing those things-that-need-to-be-done.
A friend told me that it’s easy to slip in to a mode where you actually enjoy the pain. A mode where you love to suffer just for the heck of it. He’s worried that if I dwell too much on the tragedy, I’ll start to really live it instead of getting out of it. Will I?
I hope not! I’d really like to get over the guilt asap. I didn’t ask to be left alone. It was he who he left me; for no fault of mine – no matter what people speculate. And I just refuse to suffer. Now if only my head would cooperate, we’ll get somewhere…