After all this writing, I’ve figured out 2 main battles that I have to fight – one with loneliness and one with incompetency. I’ve never been alone, and I’ve always been ambitious. I don’t know which one would be tougher to win.
Fortunately I have people around who are spending time and energies on giving me company and keeping me occupied. I am not alone. I can always call out for help, and I know someone or the other will drop in. But the terror of loneliness has me petrified. Just yesterday, I was alone in bed and couldn’t sleep. And it was so cold, my feet were freezing inside the blanket. Now a pillow can be hugged, but it doesn’t make you warm.And I thought if G were here, I’d have been warm in no time. Is it too much to ask? Perhaps. I’m being stupid really! So many people battle loneliness with no one to look out for them. So many people right now are battling with loss of a loved one. I am not the only one in this world who is alone. So what is there to be scared of? If they can manage, so can I. I don’t have to like it, but I can definitely fight it.
Managing loneliness then, perhaps is going to be easier than dealing with incompetency. While I have tons of support in the first one, the second is my inner struggle. People can give me company, but they can’t make me more productive. And maybe my need to be good at things is going to make this even worse. I hate it when I cannot do something. It puts me off. I dislike it even more when people can see that I am unable to do even small things. So more than proving a point to people, or earning my fair share, it’s a matter of being worthwhile in my own eyes.
I still seem to be in the freeze mode my counselor diagnosed – lost, unable to focus, forgetful. And I have no idea how to get out of it. Today, I decided to pretend that none of this had ever happened. That G is still here, just gone on a long trip. And maybe I could trick my mind into being ‘normal’. I even dressed up for office. Didn’t work. Failed miserably at writing a simple blog. Sat with it the whole day, and it’s still not done. I have to deliver it tomorrow morning, and I don’t know what’ll go out. Just 4 months ago, it would have taken me 2 hours to close it. And of course, because I was just struggling with those 300 odd words, everything else that I had to do was stalled. I’ve never missed a deadline, and it’s really demoralizing to miss one after another or put out subpar work. It’s just making me lose confidence in any ability I might have left. I worry that i’ll dread going to work, just because I can’t do any.
Any suggestions on how to snap out of it?