I was dependent on G, without realizing it. I might get dependent on other people who are presently trying to help me. His brother who’s doing all the formalities and the horrid paperwork, my friends who are filling up empty evenings and giving me a shoulder to cry on, and almost everyone who is doing something or the other for me – emptying water cans, taking down suitcases from lofts I can’t reach, fixing plumbing, getting dinner, sending me money and what not.
I cannot take this for granted. These are acts of kindness that one day must be repaid. Only I have no idea how! I also realize that I am at a vulnerable stage. At a point where any kind word makes a deep impression. I don’t want to get to a point where I depend on that kindness and demand it. I need to be able to continue to make the distinction – of what’s mine and what’s not. What’s offered as a moment’s solace and what I can keep. I. Must. Not. Depend. On. Anything.
And so I have this feeling of walking on eggshells. Of analyzing everything to decide what to do with it. I’m not rejecting any kind overtures, I do need them desperately, but I am mentally sorting them in the right categories. I may need the analysis some day when emotions are on a surge.
I hope some sanity remains 🙂