Whatever little time G&I had together, we took it for granted. We were going to be together for a long long time. And when we were old and couldn’t work anymore, all we’d have was time together. Or so we thought. So at least I lived with an expectation that we could do a lot more in life – spend more time being productive and making a difference. The lazing around in togetherness could come later. In fact here is a post on FB that I made a year ago!
Who knew death was so close. Or maybe I tempted it? What I thought was if we knew we were going to die by a particular date, we’d do a lot more with our lives. Sitting idle, watching TV, all of that seemed like a waste of time. And now that i’ve experienced death in close quarters, it’s as if all will to do anything has gone out of me. Now more than ever I just sit and stare at nothing. I spend hours on Facebook reading ridiculous clickbait. I look through old picture. I check his phone. I read old messages. But I’m not DOING anything. And i’m ok with it.
For me right now reliving the last 15 years is important – going through each memory, each milestone, each photograph. It’s as if I am trying to assert that all this did happen. That it was a chunk of my life that defined who I was. G&I grew up together, we learnt about the world together, we went through heartbreaks, and anger, and jealousy and passion together. And I don’t want those moments – good or bad – to vanish.
It’s true that when you have something you don’t value it; and when it’s gone you realize the place it filled in you life – where now there is just a gaping hole. And then you clutch at straws, so you don’t drown in despair. You try and hold on to little things, to memories that threaten to fade in the mists of time.
How long will they hold me up?