When you have been together for so many years, you get used to each other. And you forget that life is made of little things, a moment here, a stolen kiss, a warm glance. You wait for the bigger things to celebrate. But when everything is lost you miss the little things. And that’s true for me too. It’s this little things I miss, and how! Here is a list:
- Heading off for a brunch somewhere. Food and wine on a lazy afternoon. Random conversation.
- Movie nights. Deciding on the spot to watch the latest release. Driving off for the late night show. Popcorn, coke and a warm arm around my shoulder.
- Back rubs and foot rubs. Relaxing tired muscles after a long, hard day of work. Connecting with the touch and finding comfort in it.
- Appreciative glances. Just when needed, a look that said “Wow, you look stunning” whether you did or not.
- The ‘care’ reflex. Getting on to the side where traffic was coming from while crossing the road. Calling when you were late. Running to get medicines when you so much as sneezed. Getting breakfast on the way back. Holding your hair while you puked.
- Reading together. Waiting for the other to finish a page. Fighting over more space to see the pages. Munching on goodies
- Little fights. Making faces, throwing pillows, a nip here, a bite there. And then surrender
- Making dinner together. Deciding what to eat, dividing responsibility, taking time to cook, the fresh aroma wafting through the house, and leftovers in breakfast.
- Short weekend breaks. Just heading off for a few days of relaxation. Spa massages, good food, alcohol, and delicious evenings soaking in the scenery.
- Shopping. Driving to our favorite outlets. Scouting for sales. Trying umpteen number of things. Doing a fashion parade for each other. Taking doughnut breaks. Carrying an armful of bags. Getting bone tired with all the walking. And then point 3 again!
- Cleaning the house. Dusting, vacuuming, wiping, arranging. Getting covered in grime and taking warm showers. The hunger later, and gorging on food. Plonking on the sofa and admiring our handiwork.
There is so much more that cannot be put in to words. I always said that anyone can adjust for once in a while big things, it’s the little things that make a relationship work. Small irritants gnaw at love, and small gestures enhance it. The way your relationship goes depends on how well they balance. For us, the gestures were winning…
…until the unthinkable happened.
I miss the little things baby, and I always think what you’d have done or said in a situation. How you would have laughed or grumbled. Or what decision would you have taken. What jokes or songs would you have loved. Who amongst friends would you have called over one day. I am not who you were baby, and there are just too many things to decide. I don’t know if you’d agree to all that I do now, and you aren’t there to debate it out. I anchored so much on you, trusted you to decide for me, took your word for so many things, that now I am truly lost.
I cry when I write these things here, but mostly I manage to get by in front of people. I’m trying to find my feet. I’m trying to get on, to live, to laugh, to enjoy. But I know i’m never going to get back these little things with you. And that makes me sadder than you can imagine.