The last few days i’ve been attempting to go out at social gatherings despite how I dread meeting people who know me but haven’t seen me since August.
It started with the wedding in Gurgaon, and then I went for another one here. This one was recent, a colleague whom I don’t know that well yet. All of us from office were invited, so I decided to go too. But I didn’t want to go alone, and I thought everyone would be with their partners. So I wore my mangalsutra and went. A reminder that some point in my life he was there with me. Stupid perhaps, considering how I avoided wearing it earlier.
And then yesterday I went to another colleague’s farewell at a place frequented by G&I. It was also a place where we had many parties, my own farewell happened here. My friend asked me to come too. And frankly I was dreading going. Thankfully I had guests at home, and an excuse to leave soon. And my fears were right.
There are very few people who realize how difficult it is for someone in my position to venture out. It takes a hell lot of effort. And once we do get out there, we aren’t looking for sympathy or criticism. Just acceptance. But what we get are looks that make you want to bury yourself in the ground. Either sad faces, that say “you poor thing, I am so sorry you are all alone now”, or faces that say “oh! you are out already, you mustn’t have loved him all that much”. Very few people just accept that you have made a choice and it cost you a lot of tears to make it. That you are trying to continue being you, and not let circumstances pound you in to dust.
Overall, I didn’t like being there. And I ran off as soon as I had said hello to everyone and stayed a polite amount of time. I came home and went for a long long walk. Helped me sleep better and put this all behind me 🙂
Tomorrow is another party, but that’s on my turf. Let’s see how that goes!