Yesterday was a bad day, one of the worst this month. And not because it was Christmas. While we always went for Christmas parties, as Hindus it wasn’t really religiously significant for us. Just another day to go out, meet friends and party. It wasn’t even the piles of undone stuff because I’d already decided to not break my head over it. If something upsets me i’ll just do it another day. So I don’t really know why I was so weepy.
It started bright and early in the morning. I was to bummed to even go for my routine walk and just hid in my comforter. All I could see was him in the cold storage, frozen, over and over again and so I wrote this post. And the tears kept coming no matter how I tried to distract myself.
I had to go for a friend’s Christmas brunch, but I didn’t want to go in a sorry state. It was equally important for her I think that I show up in control. She lost her husband 4 years ago and a christmas without him wasn’t for her. I saw her struggling to keep her composure while singing carols. And I knew I’ll be in the same boat even years later.
So we overdosed on some lovely sangria, and white wine when that was all done, stuffing our faces with lovely munchies she had put out. At one point in time I thought I’ll stop drinking, I was close to crying again. But I left the decision to friends who were refilling my glass and they kept pouring.
There were also awkward moments, someone asked why hasn’t my husband come, and then I had to say because he is no more. And then they asked whether I have kids, and I said no. And they said thank god, that must make it easier!!! Well… what can one say to that?
I ate a tremendous amount of food too. So much for the diet and weight loss. I think it’s going to be a new year thing now. Gotta get back on track for healthier eggs.
And then I was headed back home, some more sombre thoughts, some more facial contortions, some more ruining of the eye makeup. Finally to bed, and sleep. Hopefully today will be better. But honestly I have no hope left from this week. It’s bugged me enough already and looks like it’s not going to rest.