The bleh week continues. With random, dark thoughts swirling in my head. If I were poetic I’d say a dark cloud is hanging over me and I am wilting in its shadow.
The point I have been pondering today is whether I ever made him happy. I know he did. And he never stopped in his pursuit of my happiness. But did I reciprocate in kind? Was he happy with me; as me? Did I do things for his happiness or was I too centered on mine?
All that I’ve written probably tells you the extent to which he went in order to do things I wanted. Have I mentioned anything I did for him? Or was anything required to be done? Would he have wanted me to be his life partner after knowing me for 10 years if I didn’t make him happy in some way?
Then why am I questioning this?
Perhaps because we weren’t perfect. Our story wasn’t out of a novel or a movie. We were just normal people who weren’t always right. While we’d made many happy memories in this short time, we’d made some not so happy ones too. There were times when we hated each other. There were times we couldn’t stand the sight of each other.
But then we always found our way back. And somehow it’s comforting that it wasn’t always him who extended the olive branch.
Our relationship was a rollercoaster, but we hung on to it with gusto – sometimes terrified, sometimes exhilarated, sometimes screaming to get off, sometimes wanting it to go on forever. That there was a break in the line that stopped our ride way ahead of time, it was great while it lasted. And maybe that’s why I want more of it. I want it to be fixed and get on back.
But that’s not going to happen is it. It’s death after all, and there is no returning from its doors. This ride is over… whether I like it or not. I just hope he loved it as much as I did.
I think it’s unfair that we didn’t get a chance to say our last words. I would have told him I loved him. And how sorry I was for all the bad times.
I talked a lot about death, and how everyone would live better if they accept their mortality. But we don’t, do we? We keep making mistakes, we keep breaking hearts, we keep harboring anger. If only we could just focus on happiness….
Baby, miss you…