I know I’ve said it many times already, and I’ll say it a million times more – he isn’t gone. He couldn’t be.
That I get up everyday, walk, cook, get ready, go to work, get back home, eat, sleep, is the unreal bit. That I’m doing things without him around is the unreal bit. That instead of him now there is a picture on a table is the unreal bit.
I thought I wouldn’t do a post today. It makes me cry and often gives me a headache to write. That’s weird too because many times I feel lighter after writing. Anyway, I decided to skip writing today. Even though I wasn’t feeling too good, I chose to just ignore the blog bit. I did everything in my routine, even an added evening walk – a friend says I need to get exhausted to sleep better. I shut off everything and went to bed. And the only thought in my head was – this is so unreal. I had to get up again and write; because writing this is the only way to connect to reality.
See the tears are here again. I never knew I had such a capacity to cry. That is unreal too.
That cold storage image is frozen in my head. I can’t seem to shake it off. Over and over and over again I’ve been seeing it this week. I don’t want to! That is so unreal too. Why would he sleep in a freezer? Why would his head be bleeding? Why would the cards in his wallet be broken? Why would he go? I should have stopped him; told him to go after we got the BhCG results. Or we could have gone to a friend’s engagement that we skipped, perhaps then this hour would have passed and death would have left him alone. But all of that is unreal.
I keep expecting him to walk in any day. I keep looking for him in rooms. I see his car parked and think he’s home. Perhaps in the kitchen making tea thinking I’ll want a cup too. Perhaps in the balcony stealing a smoke before I walk in on him. Perhaps in the shower, getting ready for a night out with friends. But he isn’t here. And that is so unreal.
I’ve stopped walking alone because I always called him when I was walking, and now I have no one to talk to. Who would spend time talking rubbish with me? I still pick up my phone to call him. And that I have to put it back down is unreal.
I keep thinking that I am learning to live without him. I do everything that is ‘normal’. I’ve even stopped crying in front of people. I make conversations, and laugh, and drink, and make plans. But I am deluding myself; because ‘normal’ is unreal.
I still say “we” and “us” and use the present tense while talking about him. I get confused when I have to fill forms and they ask married/ single. Not knowing what I am is unreal.
I don’t know whether writing this will help me sleep now; looks like an all-nighter to me.
Will you cuddle me to sleep baby?