I deliberately didn’t write a post yesterday. I didn’t want to acknowledge the New Year. It didn’t change a thing for me. Things are as bleak as they were in 2015. I decided to de-clutter instead. To just go through everything one by one and throw out what wasn’t needed.
Initially I had planned this clean-out just for my stuff. But then I opened his cupboard too. And to my horror found cobwebs. Then I just lost it.What business did cobwebs have in his clothes? And then it hit me -had it been that long since that cupboard opened? Long enough for spiders to run amok in his things?
I frantically cleaned out the webs and arranged his clothes. Then I added some naptha balls to avoid this from happening again. But you know, now the cupboard is going to smell of disinfectant – not him. I also moved some of his clothes from one drawer in to another – to make some space. For what I have no idea. And that disturbed me for the whole day today. I couldn’t imagine why I would go and do something like that. Why would I make space? As if I don’t have enough already. I have this whole bl***y house to myself. What would I need another drawer for?
So when I came back from office today, the first thing I did was to move his clothes where they were earlier. That’s where they belonged and that’s where they will be.
I also arranged everything I found in his drawers in a box – some matchboxes, bus tickets to H, condoms, cards of people he would have met in the last few months, a note from his ex-boss, a bill from the last meal he had with an old friend, a mint, some mouth freshener, and little odds and ends. Perhaps some day i’ll look at them again and reconstruct those last days again. Who he met, where he went, what mint he used and so on. Memories can get cobwebs too; and perhaps some reminders will help clean them out.
Ultimately I didn’t clear out any of my stuff that I had planned to. All I did was arrange his things and weep for what was taken from me. Perhaps it wasn’t such a good idea to start the first day of the year with.