I admitted that’s why I write this blog. To remember everything, to not forget, to just tell our story as it was. I’ve perhaps said the same things over and over again, written them here, also said them out loud to people who were here to listen. But at some level it feels as if I am just telling them to myself.
There is this detachment – like I’m there but not there. I am surrounded by people, but lost in my own world. A minute I’d be having a conversation and the next minute I’d zone out. I don’t know if people notice it; but I do. And I try and snap out of it only to get pulled back in.
Why is this happening?
I need people around me right now. I need conversations. I need a sense that I am not alone. Then why zone out? Isn’t the time I spend at home by myself enough for my thoughts? Why waste the precious moments I get with people?
I am scared also that I’ll get lost within myself. I was always an introvert – unable to talk, to connect. G was my social interface. He dealt with people I didn’t want to, he kept in touch, he took calls, he called people over, he took us to parties. Without him it takes me effort to live with the outside world. Too much effort. It’s exhausting. And something inside me doesn’t want to do it. It’s just so easy to stay detached.
When earlier I was always bubbling over with ideas – thinking up some new thing to do – now I want to spend my days on my sofa. All my time goes on Facebook, and some of it in writing this blog. I even watch TV now, something I considered a colossal time waste.
I know I am rambling. Can’t help it. Just too many things running around in my head. Perhaps I should stop here…
I don’t think I can handle grief. I need to run away!