For the longest time i’ve been delaying a picture wall I proclaimed I’d do. I wanted to select all our pics together and some of his with other people, frame them and put them up in our living room. Somehow never got around to doing it. Not for the lack of time though. Just didn’t. Perhaps a picture wall would have acknowledged the finality of his death. And maybe I am not ready to do that yet.
But then on our anniversary a friend gifted me a framed photograph of G&I. It was from a trip we’d taken as a group to Coorg; a place near Bangalore. It’s now placed on a table and is visible the moment I enter the house. And I’m now in a fix.
Somehow his eyes follow me around the house. It’s nice when I come home to see him smiling at me as soon as I open the door. But then if I am just sitting around idle – which I do a lot now a days – him looking at me just stirs up a lot of things. He’s looking at me right now. But he isn’t here!
Now that the picture is here I can’t move it. In fact the other day his parents were here and they moved it to get it out of our nephew’s reach; and that was the first thing I noticed! Where is the picture. It just stopped my breath for a second to not see it there.
You see my problem here?
I thought this picture would finally be a start to the photo wall. But that’s still not happening. It’s taking me time to get used to this one photo! An assault of multiple eyes might be too much to take!
My counsellor – for whatever little time I went to him – thought it was a good step that I was sharing his pics on Facebook and writing this blog. Somehow doing that came easy to me. These framed memories are proving a real challenge though. My friend hasn’t been able to put up a picture in the visible space yet – and it’s been 4 years for her!
When does life become a memory? And is there a timeline to be able to accept that? I think I’ll be haunted by these eyes till I come to terms with it. Not happening anytime soon!