It was 5 months yesterday. And I am finding it tough to be barely civil to people. If I could I’d have broken something for sure. Is the anger finally coming out? Or is it just the hormones playing havoc with my system?
All I know is that I am very tired. And pissed.
The tears show no sign of stopping and now sometimes more than tears of grief they are of anger. Anger at countless things that just refuse to close.
- The never ending argument with my TPA for settlement of my mediclaim
- The official formalities for G that are not yet done
- Chasing around for my PF for months with no closure in sight
- Worrying about who’ll hoist my next water can up on the decanter for me to have drinking water
- The next thing in the house that’ll break
- The wait for the culmination of the baby project
- Bills that pop up every day
- G’s projects that are floundering without him
- And documents, always so many documents – to sign, to find, to copy. An endless task
Where I like order, there is only chaos. And there is also guilt. I’ve gone off my diet and I don’t like it. What if it hampers my chances of having a baby? But sometimes I am just too tired to cook. Why? I don’t know. It’s not like I’m moving mountains or anything.
I don’t see time healing anything. All it’s doing is making it clearer that G isn’t coming back anytime. And that’s just making things worse. I could do with long distance. But this is just too far away!
Could I at least have the option to hibernate? Ride out this winter in a peaceful sleep and wake when spring comes for me?