From bad to worse

It was 5 months yesterday. And I am finding it tough to be barely civil to people. If I could I’d have broken something for sure. Is the anger finally coming out? Or is it just the hormones playing havoc with my system?

All I know is that I am very tired. And pissed.

The tears show no sign of stopping and now sometimes more than tears of grief they are of anger. Anger at countless things that just refuse to close.

  • The never ending argument with my TPA for settlement of my mediclaim
  • The official formalities for G that are not yet done
  • Chasing around for my PF for months with no closure in sight
  • Worrying about who’ll hoist my next water can up on the decanter for me to have drinking water
  • The next thing in the house that’ll break
  • The wait for the culmination of the baby project
  • Bills that pop up every day
  • G’s projects that are floundering without him
  • And documents, always so many documents – to sign, to find, to copy. An endless task

Where I like order, there is only chaos. And there is also guilt. I’ve gone off my diet and I don’t like it. What if it hampers my chances of having a baby? But sometimes I am just too tired to cook. Why? I don’t know. It’s not like I’m moving mountains or anything.

I don’t see time healing anything. All it’s doing is making it clearer that G isn’t coming back anytime. And that’s just making things worse. I could do with long distance. But this is just too far away!

Could I at least have the option to hibernate? Ride out this winter in a peaceful sleep and wake when spring comes for me?

Wishful thinking!

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8 thoughts on “From bad to worse

  1. I wish I could say that time heals all wounds, but does it really? I feel like once I make peace with the death of my parents, something comes back and opens that wound right back up. I think time is worthless. It doesn’t heal us. Instead, we just learn to cope and live without what we had. The only thing time does is help us cope. It doesn’t heal the wound. I think the wound will always be there. It’s the coping that will at least somewhat heal our shattered hearts. Sending you many thoughts, prayers and hugs. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Amen!!!!!!! I am sorry for your loss as well. Maybe someday, we will deal with the losses. But, I think a part of us will always be missing them. I am not sure any amount of love can fill the void in my heart left by my loss. I was looking through pictures of good memories of my mom and dad last night (as my therapist told me to do). It made me smile and think positively about them (instead of associating thoughts of them with tragedy). It worked very well for me. I stopped the moment I thought I would cry (leaving me with only warm and fuzzy feelings). Maybe, you would want to try this as well? Just a suggestion for coping that my therapist gave me. ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I do that with a vengeance and share it with people also. I’ve taken to sharing Facebook memories everyday. And I threw a party on his birthday too. Just trying to remember the happy times

        Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s a lot of stuff to deal with when you’re grieving. I’m not surprised you feel grumpy. It’s ok to be grumpy.
    I think 20something’s suggestion makes sense. I lost my younger brother to cancer last year and I couldn’t even bear being near my mother because of my own grief and my helplessness in the face of her sadness. Photos of happier times help me now. Try it and see.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It really works even after years and years.
    I lost my younger bro 7yrs bk.Even after so many yrs i see him in my dreams, break down at sm times, can’t talk abt him with my parents, can’t think of him and can’t look at his pic without my eyes filled bt still watching his pics makes me feel happier for the memorable and happy days spent with him.
    I think time never heels the wounds bt teaches you to cope up with the situations and makes you strong enough to control your emotions. I know it’s very difficult bt wish, soon u will be able to control ur emotions. Hugs…

    Like

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