I’ve been away for a bit. Not that I had nothing to write, but I didn’t have time to do the posts justice. And i’ve been suffering for it, because writing this makes me feel better. So feelings were simmering, and the dam was about to burst.
And then yesterday I stumbled across a folder on his email. It was marked with my name. Yes, I have access to his email account, by sheer luck he’d asked me to log in for him a few days before the accident happened. I opened the folder – sometimes I think I like to torture myself. But what else could one do? I had to open it. Not looking in would just make me keep thinking about it.
It had some interesting memories:
- He sent me a gmail invite that I accepted in 2004. This was a time when we stayed together during our engineering days.
- The only email conversation we had over the next few years was in 2005 – perhaps because we saw each other everyday, emails weren’t necessary.
- In 2006, the email traffic increased. This was a time when we were doing our MBA and going through a rough patch in our relationship. Most of these emails were college projects, resumes and some were emotional ones trying to deal with our problems
- There was one email in 2006 that he sent to me. It was titled ‘that fateful day’ and inside was a picture of us just getting out of a party and before we had a huge fight. He’d written in the mail “the last time we saw each other”. Ironic isn’t it. I have a post titled the same and it was truly the last time we’d ever see each other in THIS life.
- In 2009-10 we were planning our wedding via emails and I found the pics we kept sending back and forth – the wedding card, the rings, the jewelry that was my bride gift. In the email he was sending to his friends he had written: “I have promised to clean up the vessels, cut the vegetables and keep the house clean. I will never forget our anniversary or her birthday. I have promised to not look at any other girl”. And he did keep his promises, except the clean house one :).
- Post wedding 2011-2015 the emails became work oriented again. Business ideas, new ventures, etc. Sadly there were no love letters. But I don’t think we needed them. And I had enough hand written ones.
- Most of the emails from him were a few lines – he didn’t write much. But those are words and phrases that can still make me laugh today.
I’d be lying if I said I was laughing as I went through all this. Quite the opposite really. I was awash in salt water. And maybe the hormones have a role to play in this, but once I started I just could not stop. Yesterday was the longest cry I had in some time.
Did it make me feel better? Not really! Did it make me miss him even more. Yes! By the end of the day, even as I sat with friends, the thought in my head was “I want him back”. Even if the only way to have him around is not with me, I’m ok. As long as he is back and he is somewhere I can buzz him once in a while.