Facing my demons

I am not a people person. Not at all. If I could get away with it I’d never talk to anyone face to face – or even on the phone. Chat applications and emails were made for people like me. We like to hide behind our screens and not face the world. You see where this is going? G was my conduit to the world. Did I tell you I never gave my phone number out anywhere? It was always him fielding calls, talking to people, generally managing people.

And now of course I get reminded of my incompetency every day. I mean it’s a whole different thing to plan stuff when someone else is supporting you see it through and something else entirely to do it yourself. So the two big plans in progress are:

  1. The baby project
  2. G’s Memorial Trust

And today things happened that made me question my competency to see these through. Nothing big, just some fundamental things I have to sort out in my head.

So the morning began with me trying to plan my long distance stim for the next egg retrieval. I have to find a place that can give me blood reports within 3 hours, a scan center that’s hygienic yet still affordable, a place to buy my injections and a place to take them. Yes, I don’t think I can stab myself – at least not yet. After calling a dozen places I was feeling a bit disappointed with the outcome. And I didn’t like the whole process of calling. It actually meant talking to people, asking questions and sorting things out. Not my forte. So by the time I had shortlisted 2 places I was badly out of sorts. And I wasn’t even done. I had to run around and find if I could get discounts on the medicines as they are really quite expensive. And that meant talking to more people. I was really really at the end of my tether; I could actually hear my heart pounding away. It’s become a thing now – this physical reaction to stress – and I am so not used to it. I almost decided to give up the long distance plan and just go to Mumbai where I at least knew how it worked. But that would mean 15 days of twiddling my thumbs. So I just decided to fuck it and chill. Not stressing is more important than anything. To save a bit of money, I might end up ruining the entire outcome. Once decided, it was deep breathing for me, some good lunch, and lots of TV.

Then afternoon rolled over and I got a call about the trust we’ve formed in G’s memory. It was a request for help from a girl who loved to dance, but couldn’t afford the class. My BIL asked me to go meet her family and talk to them. Get the keyword here – TALK. To strangers. All by myself. Not the thing I am good at. But it’d have been a start, and I knew I’d have to do anything it takes to make this work. So I drove down to their place – about an hour from where I live. Met them. Didn’t have anything to say, but made some small talk. Smiled a lot. And gave the girl what she wanted – a chance to go learn dance. I hope it makes her happy. And then I ran back, to the safety of home, where no talking is needed.

But the day wasn’t over yet. The route I took this time also held many memories. It was a part of town I haven’t been to in almost a decade. We came here when we were still in college. I crossed the grounds where we’d gone to the concert before our first kiss. I crossed a movie hall that we frequented – yes, we seem to have gone to a lot of them! And then a song started playing – about an incomplete story.

What happened next is anyone’s guess.

Home now. Glad the day is over. Dreading tomorrow.

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