In search of that elusive balance

I am in trouble. I am losing it. And I don’t see a way out.

I don’t have patience and I am not much good at tolerating inefficiencies. G was my balance. He calmed me down when I overreacted. He laughed off things and took me along. He was the shield between me and the world or rather he helped me tune in with the world. And now he isn’t there and I have to learn things the hard way.

For one, controlling my irritation at the smallest of things. Not finding it easy. Little things like waiting in line, following up on official procedures, arranging for something are bugging me no end. They never finish. As soon as I cross off one item another one that seemingly finished pops up again. And then there are random questions.

That’s why I am venting today – questions.

I went to get a pelvic scan today, to see if it’s time to start my injections for the next egg retrieval. First off at the hospital I was asked to fill up a registration form. It had really annoying questions – father’s name, religion, marital status etc. I mean why the fuck do you care! So anyway I left all that blank and just gave the important information about ME – name, age, gender, contact etc.

The guy registering me asked for the details I had left blank. I glared at him and said “how do they matter”! I almost felt like shouting that you don’t have options that define me in your form. Your marital status says – Married/ Unmarried. What am I supposed to fill in? I don’t believe in god, so I have no religion and your form doesn’t say “none of the above”. What am I to do then. Go fix your stupid form first.

So anyway he registered me with the details I had provided, conveniently typing a ‘Miss’ before my name. Hello! When someone doesn’t disclose their martial status you are supposed to write a Ms.! Armed with my newly registered status I went and paid for the scan and then waited in line for my turn. Yes, my turn even though I had booked and confirmed an appointment and was in front of the scan room dot on time. Anyways, after waiting for 20 odd minutes I asked to use the washroom. The nurse on duty said no, your bladder has to be full, and I said no, it has to be done on an empty bladder. Turns out they were going to do a different scan! Finally I told them I need a trans-vaginal scan where they are supposed to poke me with a stick. Comprehension dawned and I was allowed to use the washroom.

Then in the scan room the practitioner asked me for a prescription. I said. ” I don’t have one but I know what I want. I am undergoing an IVF treatment and my doctor needs to know the baseline status of the ovaries and the uterus to determine if my medications should start now”. And there was much confusion on his face. He’s like “wait a minute, I think they’ve given me a wrong file. Are you S?” I said “yes”. And he’s like but it says here you are unmarried. I said “I’ve mentioned no such thing. And anyway how does it matter? This is the scan I want”. But he looked really uncertain, and kept looking at the probe which the nurse was prepping. Then he asked “but have you been sexually active?” Duh!

You see there is this whole hullabaloo about virginity here. What if he pokes me with the probe and I am ‘unmarried’ and hence a virgin and the probe takes it all away from me! What horror! Well of course I get it that he had to save his skin, but I hated that fact that I have to do some explanation. Finally I gave in and muttered I was married and yes I have had sex¬†before and will you just get on with this please.

Perhaps I overreacted. And that’s what this post is about. Me losing my balance. The sense of what is ok and what is not. What I should rail against and what I should just let go. Venting here helps. Calms me down. Reminds me to take deep breaths.

Somehow I have this feeling that the next few days are going to be hell. And I don’t plan to be nice about it.



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