I am exhausted. My head is throbbing, my shoulders are stiff, my fingers hurt and I have shooting pains from my waist to toes. I am in bed, but can’t sleep. Sleeping alone is still difficult. I don’t know how my mother has managed it all these years! I am stressed and I need a cuddle and so I am missing him more.
Usually when I was stressed G would give me a hug and a kiss on my forehead. And that made everything better. I laughingly called it the destress kiss; it sort of sucked out all the negative energy and made me feel better instantly. I need that now. Like right now.
I’ve been choked up all day. A knot lodged in my throat, barely managing to hold in the tears. I wrote earlier that the day didn’t start well. What do you know, it just kept getting worse. In the afternoon I found out that the medications I had ordered to start my treatment would not be delivered, because the pen to administer them was not available at pharmacies. The company only gives it to the doctors and it’s not available on sale. That psyched me out completely. I was possibly going to start treatment today and now almost late afternoon I had no idea where to get the medication and the pen from! So I left office and went out to hunt for a clinic that’ll give me the shots even though I was not getting the treatment from them. If I didn’t find one I’d just fly to Mumbai tomorrow and start there. Thankfully, after knocking on 3 doors I found one that was willing to do it.
After more form filling and letter writing I am told that I can go there tomorrow to start the treatment. I hope they stick to the plan and I am able to get the shots tomorrow. Fingers crossed! But all this last minute organizing had thrown me completely off balance. One, if G were here I wouldn’t be doing this at all. And if I were, he’d be the one running around. So this alone thing kind of unraveled me a bit. By the time I got back in the car I was shaking all over (refer earlier mentions of physical reaction to stress). Perhaps not the best time to drive. But I just wanted to get home, curl up in a ball and sleep. Well what I really wanted was G’s destress kiss – the sucker of negative energy, but I couldn’t get that could I? Curling up sounded like a good alternative. So I drove back, and managed to bump a car ahead of me – I am really becoming a menace on the roads, perhaps I should quit driving for a bit. Thankfully there was no damage and I said sorry so the guy didn’t push the case. So heart thumping wildly and legs shaking even more, I somehow managed to get home.
Now picture this, earlier, when I would come home in a bad shape, G’d be there or would arrive soon. And I get my hug right at the door, and perhaps a cup of tea and some pampering. Now, I open the door, see his picture, dump my bag in a corner, go to my room and hide under the blanket. Not helping.
I made myself an early dinner – lots of carbs and fat and coke and hid in bed again. But sleep is a luxury. I snoozed for a bit and was woken up by a phone call. Then tried sleeping again but some more calls kept coming. I was probably in a slightly delirious state, and I kept reaching out to the other side of the bed. Looking for something that wasn’t there.
Earlier when I felt down and out I could spoon him and sleep. He was slim built, so my legs went all around. It was like a spider and a bug. Not very romantic that definition! But that’s what it was, i’d really cling to him, and drop right off to sleep. He had this habit of watching TV till late at night. So if I was sleepy I’d force him to abandon TV and come to bed. Then he’d get his laptop, put on his earplugs and watch away while I slept comfortably knowing that he was right next to me. And sometimes when I was hurting all over, like today, he’d give me an absent minded foot rub or a back rub while watching his shows. And if he stopped, I’d give a slight nudge and he’d start again :). Actually something like this video.
Life was good when G was around. He was my de-stresser.
Now here I am, unable to sleep. Writing the sad story of my life that gets whinier every day. I am tired of writing this too. How much can someone crib about the world? I want to write the good and happy things that happened to us. The moments we spent together, the vacations, the time we spent just sprawled on beaches and resorts and hills. But I don’t get around to writing that. All I end up doing is talking about how shitty my day has been, or how fucked up my life has become. Well, maybe because I don’t know where else to say this!
Anyway, the treatment starts tomorrow. I need to be cheerful. Hopefully some happy posts coming up. Going to read something now!