It was anyway not going to be a good day. I knew it from the moment I woke up. And sure enough I spent most of it teary eyed. It’s the hormones I think giving me mood swings. For instance, I started lunch in really good spirits and by the end of it I was in a dark, broody mood. Anyway, things weren’t going good and I was generally bugged.
And then a chance remark of a friend made me realize something- and that made me cry even more. I think I am becoming too self centered; pulling everyone’s time and energy in to fixing me. It’s like a siren call – “hey look at me, something terrible happened to me and I don’t think I can deal with it myself; so why don’t you all leave whatever you were doing with your lives and come help me?”.
I’ve had people do things they won’t otherwise because they know if they don’t, I might end up crumpled somewhere crying my eyes out. And who wants to be the person to make me cry? Right now, no one.
People leave things they have to do to come and give me company. Friends and relatives camp at my house even if they have better things to do than babysit me. I am given atrocious leeway at work even when it burdens other people and takes chunks away from their personal time.
I’ve become a black hole! I just take and give nothing back. Perhaps right now I don’t have anything to give. But then maybe I shouldn’t demand so much.
I know that I have to learn to get by on my own. Yet, at best I am making half hearted attempts at it. For now there are people around to not let me feel alone, to do what I need done, to help when needed and to heal when I hurt. But for how long? There will be a time when they will have to get back to THEIR lives. And what will I do then? Where will I be?
Is it time for a reality check? Maybe I did get one today.
And for the first time today in so many months I didn’t cry for G. I cried for what I am becoming.
Perhaps I should get on to fixing this.
But my eyes hurt…and today even writing this isn’t making me feel ok.
Maybe I should just go to sleep and everything will be better when I get up?
Any words of wisdom anyone?