A black hole

It was anyway not going to be a good day. I knew it from the moment I woke up. And sure enough I spent most of it teary eyed. It’s the hormones I think giving me mood swings. For instance, I started lunch in really good spirits and by the end of it I was in a dark, broody mood. Anyway, things weren’t going good and I was generally bugged.

And then a chance remark of a friend made me realize something- and that made me cry even more. I think I am becoming too self centered; pulling everyone’s time and energy in to fixing me. It’s like a siren call – “hey look at me, something terrible happened to me and I don’t think I can deal with it myself; so why don’t you all leave whatever you were doing with your lives and come help me?”.

I’ve had people do things they won’t otherwise because they know if they don’t, I might end up crumpled somewhere crying my eyes out. And who wants to be the person to make me cry? Right now, no one.

People leave things they have to do to come and give me company. Friends and relatives camp at my house even if they have better things to do than babysit me. I am given atrocious leeway at work even when it burdens other people and takes chunks away from their personal time.

I’ve become a black hole! I just take and give nothing back. Perhaps right now I don’t have anything to give. But then maybe I shouldn’t demand so much.

I know that I have to learn to get by on my own. Yet, at best I am making half hearted attempts at it. For now there are people around to not let me feel alone, to do what I need done, to help when needed and to heal when I hurt. But for how long? There will be a time when they will have to get back to THEIR lives. And what will I do then? Where will I be?

Is it time for a reality check? Maybe I did get one today.

And for the first time today in so many months I didn’t cry for G. I cried for what I am becoming.

Perhaps I should get on to fixing this.

But my eyes hurt…and today even writing this isn’t making me feel ok.

Maybe I should just go to sleep and everything will be better when I get up?

Any words of wisdom anyone?

 

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6 thoughts on “A black hole

  1. I always feel like commenting but run out of words to say…pardon my message..coming from a stranger you must be feeling odd reading this..Today all I can say is, I guess you yourself have started to realise that you need to start living for yourself..what you have and are still going through is really painfully. .I can’t even imagine it..so pelase stay calm ..Yes there will be a day when all will go away and get busy in their lives so it’s better you start slowly now on by trying to be cheerful in your own company..It is goin to be tough but in the end you have to face your own battles..so stay positive, try meditating..Try to think of the good things still around you..stay calm and try to sort out what’s best for you
    ..Cheer up..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. People come, people go, people stay, people fade, people are born, people in all sense will be around- use when u can; wise up when u can– but by all means be around people and keep close whoever is available in whatever good they can give for that time– cheers!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nicely omitted ‘people die’… But they do. And wising up is not that easy. I guess I know what you are trying to say. But everything is just so scary now. When you lose something you never thought you will, there creeps in a tendency to cling desperately to what you have left. And that’s scary too. What if you lose that too?

      Like

  3. Just happened upon your blog as a fellow IVF’er (donor egg version)…

    Grief is a real clusterfuck. Only thing I know about it is to walk through it rather than around it, and that breaking open sometimes lets the light in. I was never able to ever ask for help for anyone when my father died, I just stayed home alone in the worst place. Asking for help makes a lot of us feel guilty – yet if someone was in your place, you’d want them to ask you for help? We never treat ourselves as well as we treat those we care about in our lives, isn’t that odd…

    Follow your gut, and if you don’t know what that is, just be still and do your best. It’s all you, and any of us, can really do.

    Oh yeah and one thing I’m learning in IVF stuff is to not take any of my emotions too seriously when the waves hit. Doesn’t always work but if I do a little meditation (or something “meditative” like go for a walk or turn on mellow music, usually it’ll center me at least for a bit.

    Now get out there and kick some ass. Or don’t. Whatever you want to do is what’s best for you!

    Liked by 1 person

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