The headache is back

After G died I spent a few months with a terrible headache and constantly stiff shoulders. My counsellor said it’s stress induced. Then slowly with healthy eating, daily walks and meditation, it went away. Now it’s back – with a vengeance. And I guess that means I am stressed again! Which isn’t good for the baby project.

It’s anyway not going well. I can only see 11 follicles in all, with only 6-7 growing well. I just hope the egg quality is better, because it looks like I’m not getting the numbers this time. That’s weighing on my mind and last minute panic here and there isn’t really helping.

I’ve a mess in my head, and no idea how to sort it. Of course there are hormonal mood swings too. Sometimes I don’t even know what’s real and what I was just dreaming about. Like I was watching this republic day parade yesterday – I hadn’t done it in years, only G sat and watched it – and it felt like I’m sitting and watching last year’s show with him. I actually turned in my seat to ask him something about the rains! Crazy continues.

Work is sporadic and my heart is not in it anyway. I’m dabbling in stuff and leaving it undone. I cooked all day yesterday, made enough cake for a battalion, and threw it all away today. Well gave it away actually. I painted a bit, it’s half done, and I think it’s gonna stay that way.

I just want to get these eggs out and get on with the process. Can’t things be sped up a little. I am tired of waiting and wondering!

And what luck… not even a painkiller with me today.

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