Glimpses of him

My mind is in a weird topsy turvy state. There are some days when I go the whole day without thinking of G even once (That’s him in the picture btw… not yet ready to share anything recognizable). Like today I slept the whole day and barely thought about him- just looked at his picture occasionally and smiled. I talk to it sometimes, but not today.

Maybe I was too tired? I had a hectic Saturday. Went on a road trip to interview some farmers and spent the whole day at it. By then end of it every cell in my body was hurting!

I’d already done something super weird earlier in the day. You see, I never know what to say when people ask about my husband. What’s appropriate? Nonchalance? Breaking down in to tears? Sombre face? I haven’t learnt how to answer that question yet – at least in a way as to make no one uncomfortable – me included. So when on this trip 2 other women who were there asked me about my husband I giggled. Yup, that’s what I did. I giggled while telling them he was dead. They must have thought me a psycho! Maybe I was – for a moment. Any tips on answering this question would really be appreciated. I am at my wit’s end.

That the visit was on a route I went with him often didn’t help. I was managing pretty well till we were on our way back. And then an ambulance passed us. I anyway have this revulsion against them now. And just after that we passed a row of shops where G & I had stopped a few years ago. I remember that it was the 15 of August and we were headed back home after a long weekend in Coorg. The shops were decked up with the Indian Flag and in a burst of patriotism we decided to buy one and put it on our car. He stopped at one of these shops and got a flag. Yesterday I could see him running out with a flag. It was as if he’s coming out and I am passing him by because this car I was in was moving.

Once I could see him the tears won’t stop. And then there was a moron driving ahead of us and we had to really brake hard once because of him. Without wanting to, I think a lot about the accident. What would have happened? How? I don’t like to talk about it, because I hate how people theorize, but I think about it. So when this car braked, it just popped an image in my head. G on that fatal road. What if some moron was ahead of him and they had to brake? What if because of that their car got hit? And I can always picture the accident in my head, even though I haven’t seen it.

I really wanted to howl, but there were other people in the car. So I just asked for music to be put on and tried to sob as silently as I could. It was still a long way back so I finally did quiet down. The long day, the sun, the music, the hunger, and the crying had combined to give me a massive headache. That I am on constant PMS and bloating stage didn’t help either. I just wanted to crawl in to bed and die.

So the Sunday was spent sleeping. I missed a walk I was supposed to go on with my neighbors. And the day went really slow. In bed again now and writing this. Tomorrow I may head out to office. Not so keen on meeting people though.

I wish I could just decide on things and stick to it.

I wish I would stop complicating my already fucked up life.

I wish I would stop cribbing.

I wish he were back.

Any genie’s around?

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2 thoughts on “Glimpses of him

  1. I wish the genies would work!

    I can’t really help you when asked about your husband. No matter what someone ends up feeling awkward. Recently, I’ve been back in touch with someone that we hadn’t seen for about 16 years but was a close friend for a great number of years. They made contact and I ignored the message for a week because I didn’t know how to start that conversation.

    I understand your thoughts and feelings about thinking about the accident. I am the same. Between the police conversations and coroner’s report I have a pretty good idea of what unfolded. I’ve got no idea what caused the accident but I know how and why Daniel died. I try so hard not to think about it, but like you I do. I often have very vivid visions of the accident right as I’m about to drift off to sleep.

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    1. I didn’t ask anyone anything about the accident. Not even the postmortem report. I didn’t want to know how he died. Because when I saw him he had a smile on his face. I like to believe he didn’t suffer. If the postmortem report tells a different story, I don’t want to know it! These visions will never go away will they! 😦

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