It’ll be 6 months soon since G’s been gone. Missing him a lot more lately. Sometimes that becomes a weight on my chest – too heavy for me to even get up. I find it difficult to breathe and I have to remind myself to do that. I am getting more and more in to myself, avoiding people and conversations and trying to see if there is that one person somewhere who can replace G. Duh!
I read a chat with him the night before last. G & I had had a fight a few years ago and we had broken up. So I’d unfriended him on FB and added him back when we decided to get married. So our conversation was recorded from 2010 – so upset that the rest is lost! It had all those endearments that only people in a relationship call each other – names that no one else has a clue about. It had things that we could discuss only with each other – secrets that were just ours. And things I will never be able to talk about with anyone else. Good or bad – they were our conversations.
So at some level i’ve been trying to talk to him here – begging him to come back and so on. In 153 days this will be my 150th post. That’s the most I have ever written and I used to write a lot before all this happened. Now the situation is that I can’t seem to write anything except this blog!
I opened his FB profile yesterday and wondered if I should drop him a message. Chat with him types. But then sense prevailed – which it does very rarely – and I let it be. You know why I have this itch to talk to him? Because he would never try to analyze a situation, or judge (ok, sometimes he did), or try to solve it immediately. He’ll just grin and hug me and let me blabber away. He knew half the time I was just venting and will find a way out myself. And sometimes he hugged me because he wanted to watch the news and if my head was buried in his chest I was less likely to notice that he wasn’t paying attention.
He did have an attention deficit syndrome. Sometimes he’s just not pay any attention no matter what you were saying. And after you were done and looking at him expectantly for a response he’d say ‘hmmm’. I drove me mad, first with anger but later when I got used to it (you get used to anything in 15 years) with laughter. Now i’ll even take those maddening monologues if he’d just come back and sit on the couch watching Arnab Goswami scream and shout on screen.
Never gonna happen is it. But sometimes we just live by wishful thinking. Ask me!