Are you married?

I think I should rehearse the answer to this question. Every time it hits me it either sends me in shock or gets a very angry response. I was asked this again today and I am still reeling and finding it difficult to breathe.

I think I am living all those things they say in books – the heaviness in the heart, the shock like you’ve been shot, the numbness that follows, hands that shake and deliberate movements you need to do to appear normal. I was asked this question in the morning and it really hit me! I wasn’t able to decide whether to shake my head as a yes or no. And before I could decide on a response, others were already answering for me.

It was a business meeting for god’s sake. I wasn’t prepared for this question. And then I don’t know what happened for the next 15 minutes or so, I was just busy trying to act normal.

I’ll practice nodding a yes as an auto response. It’s probably just easier than registering the question and thinking of the answer every time.

This sort of ruined the day for me; not that I had been in a very good mood to begin with. Yesterday I saw a shooting star and contrary to my beliefs made a wish. My first thought was to get G back, but of course no star can make that happen, even if they do grant wishes. So I wished for baby instead. That this project I am on should be successful.

And then I had a dream – one in the series I have every night. And it was about adoption. Did it mean my baby project won’t work out? I didn’t seem to be very successful in adopting a baby either, and for some strange reason I had a dog. I am not a pet person, I like animals from a distance. I’m highly unlikely to ever own a dog. Then why? So confusing, yet to vivid. These dreams will also drive me nuts. This time they just managed to put me in a bad mood.

It doesn’t help that things aren’t going well at the work front either. I feel resentment building in and I don’t know for what. It’s not going well people-wise either with me trying to avoid meeting people and making conversations. I don’t know if this is a sort of delayed reaction or what? I’m just feeling very messed up and very alone.

Alone – I’ve consciously avoided using this word for sometime now. Thinking that maybe if I don’t think about it, I won’t feel it. Not so.

Guess one just has to deal with it right!

Maybe one day.

 

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