I guess one post was just not enough for today. I needed to write more. I have no idea what, but I know I have this great weight on my chest and a lump in my throat and I need to get rid of that.
I’ve cried, there are used tissues all over the floor. I’ve had a drink – alcohol does cure most troubles. I’ve eaten – G always said food made me happy. But I’m not happy. It’s that feeling of something left undone. Something you need to scream out of your system. But I am not the screaming kinds. Even when I cry I do it quietly. And so the weight is pressing down and blocking my air supply. I’ve been chanting ‘breathe’ to myself taking in big gulps of air before I forget it again.
And so I am doing the only thing I know that makes me feel better – write. But what to write when I can’t grasp at the problem? I still think it was the question. I hate to pretend that i’m normal – because I am not. You cannot call anyone in my state ‘normal’. I’ve forgotten what it’s like. I don’t want to tell people I am married and pretend that it’s okay. It’s not. I want to tell them not to ask me that question. I want to tell them that my husband died and I haven’t come to terms with it yet. I want to be in a place where there is no one to ask me stupid questions. But I don’t do that, because it’ll make people uncomfortable. They’ll wonder what to do with me now that the ugly truth is out there, and they’ll sympathize and make me feel worse.
I guess there is no easy way out of this. Perhaps I should have taken my sabbatical now, to wait out this storm that’s inside of me. To let it settle down. But I don’t have the luxury I guess. I was talking to my sister today, and I just blurted it out. It’s just me out here now. I don’t have the freedom of choice now. If I don’t work – that’s it – I don’t earn a living and I’ll be a burden on someone. Not that I am working too much right now, but I am trying. The point is I can never take off!
I’d often joke with G that someday I’ll just sit at home and be a housewife. Give up these hassles of work, emails, deadlines, projects and just chill. Perhaps cook some nice food, paint, dance – do something artistic and live slower. Not happening now for sure.
There are people I personally know who read this blog. Sometimes I feel like not writing something because they may not like it or take it otherwise. But then I shrug it off. This is the only space where I can be honest. Where I don’t have to smile and nod, make small talk and be polite. This is my space. And this is my way of screaming it out. I am going to write what I need to write.
I know I’ll be told that all this that I am going through will only get worse when I have a baby. Double the responsibility etc. etc. What am I going to do in the months that I will need to recuperate and will not be working? I think G left me enough to see this baby project through. Rest I will manage. Things have a way of happening, whether you want them or not, plan for them or not.
What will happen, will happen. And I’m going to make the best of it either ways. (This is my pep talk to me!)
Okay baby, by now you know I am super sad today. Send me a hug?