I’m sick of these meds

I don’t know how women do this five, six, seven times! I am already sick of it. Sick of the needles, of what the hormones do to me, the waiting and everything. That my second retrieval failed didn’t help matters much. I had it in my head that I can do 3 retrievals, I didn’t account for one failing – either physically, or emotionally or financially. Plus from a timing perspective we were hoping I’d be pregnant by March, that way it’ll be a December baby like G :). But with one retrieval gone awry, everything has to be planned again. And I don’t know if I am ready for it. It takes me a long time for mental adjustment. It’ll also mean that much more time away from work and I’m already feeling left behind!

So; much has to be decided and much has to be done. First thing is me going to the hospital where G’s sample is stored and getting it transported to Mumbai. I need it done before I start my retrieval cycle this time, and that’ll be around 15th Feb. It has to be there because I may make a last minute decision. And if I do, I need his sample to make the babies.

I already have 11 eggs in the freezer, my ideal number was 30, so I assumed we could get that with 3 cycles. If this time we are able to get 15-20 good eggs, I may ask for a fertilization and ET and not go for another egg retrieval. But of course, I’m going to find that out on the day of the pick up, so it’s all very last minute. It’ll also depend on what my doctor says about the viability of my eggs and the possibility that his sample can be frozen again.

I also have one frozen embryo, but that’s not great quality wise. Still, one more to try at least! Who knows what works?

I do want a December baby – but that’s a lot riding on the assumption that the first ET will work! I can’t pin too many hopes on that. And then if I don’t do a third cycle and the sample re-freeze doesn’t go that well, I am wasting away another chance in the hopes of December. Gahhhh! So much to decide!

Anyway, the point is like every step in this journey, everything is confused. Decisions depend on so many factors and you never know what is right. I guess I’ll just go by what feels right at that moment and leave the rest to destiny. I am trying as hard as I can without going completely mental. If I am meant to have this baby I will. If not, well, life sucks!

I do think it’ll happen though, else so many coincidences wouldn’t have happened. Keeping my fingers crossed. I’ll need a lot of good wishes though! Think of me.


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