I arrived in Mumbai yesterday to begin what’s hopefully the last stage of this baby project. Arrived a day earlier than needed just to give myself some time to settle down. It’s going to be a long stay here, don’t know how I’ll manage that.

It was a pain getting to the hospital and back today. There was some Autowallah strike – so most people were using cab services and the fares were off the charts. And still there were no cabs available.

Went to meet the doctor today primarily to sort out the sperm transfer from Bangalore to Mumbai. They’ve assured me it’ll be taken care of. Did a scan, things seem to be okay. The injections start tomorrow. A higher dose this time. Let’s hope it grows more eggs, and healthy ones.

While we were chatting, the subject of stress came up. I think I am stressed, I can feel it in my shoulders. Nothing crazy, just a constant ache. Like the one that happened immediately after his death. I am also not sleeping well – unless helped by alcohol and neither is my breathing normal. Just thinking of work makes my heartbeat shoot up. Overall not in a shape I had hoped to be when I went for an Embryo Transfer.

So I went to see a counsellor who could do an analysis of stress levels and suggest some calming techniques if at all I am stressed. I went to see one in Jaslok Hospital itself. It wasn’t a counseling session – those start from tomorrow. Today she just asked me why am I looking for help. So I told her – husband died, want baby, cannot be stressed, but can’t help it, so need to calm down. So she asked me to draw some stuff – mountains, trees, house, person, sun and water. I did.

Then she asked me some questions – do i feel anger at myself? Do I blame myself? Do I feel like running away or killing myself. Mostly the answer is no, except running away is plan B – if baby doesn’t happen. So she asks where will i run away to? And I don’t know!

I definitely haven’t wanted to kill myself – haven’t even tried, unless you consider that long forgotten diet. But that was an attempt to get in shape for the baby project – doctor’s orders. At this moment I am happily munching away on a chocolate! So much for killing myself.

But that’s the initial assessment. What I drew – which to me looked like normal tree, mountain etc. (not very artsy either) – apparently suggests suicidal and running away tendencies. Hmm. I don’t know how to react to that. So I won’t. Instead of writing about it here.

I have a full fledged session tomorrow, so we shall see where it takes us. Of course being from a broken family, a sexually abused kid, who’s now a woman with a dead husband I have many qualifications to be labeled damaged. But I survived childhood, I will survive this too. It’s just a matter of doing something productive instead. And what’s more productive than making a baby :). Takes up ALL your time!

So we shall see…


2 thoughts on “Suicidal???

  1. At first I thought you made it up
    But now that it is true
    I hope you find the strength
    To start a life anew….. 🙂
    I am glad you take everything as it is.. You are an inspiration to all ..
    Feel free to talk to me ever 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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