I know not where I’m headed

It’s been almost a week since I came to Mumbai. Been taking meds for the past 5 days, but the result isn’t that promising. There are 4-5 follicles growing in each ovary, I was hoping for a lot more. They increased the med dose again today, hopefully we’ll see a few more growing in a day or two. This is perhaps my last egg retrieval, I wanted to get as many as possible. Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen, so feeling bummed.

G’s sperm sample and the remaining 1 embryo that we made together is also on its way to Mumbai. It got picked up today from Bangalore and will be delivered to the Mumbai hospital by Monday. I hope it gets here in good shape, because if it doesn’t all this effort would have been in vain.

Also my original plan of embryo transfer this time may not work. Since I’m on a high dose of meds, they may have to give me a different trigger and with that ET is not possible. So I may have to come back later. Perhaps end of March or even April. I’m not really sure what to wish for.

I had 2 counseling session also. I guess I just like talking about him and if I have to pay someone to do that why not? Otherwise I feel I am imposing G on people. How many times can they hear the same thing? This time the counselor asked me to color some patterns. It was supposed to relieve stress, but by the time I was done with it I was angry. No idea why. Maybe because it took so much time to do it? But all I have is time here, with nothing much to do except my trip to the hospital.

I haven’t event felt like writing lately because things have become so repetitive. Today I was missing him a lot. And I just wanted him there. Kept seeing him in the same T-shirt and hairstyle that he left home in. And the bugger is always grinning. Sometimes I think he’s laughing at me. I really really wanted to cry today, just to get some load off my head. But all I could manage was a few tears and they didn’t help.

Going to the clinic doesn’t help me much. There is no one who comes alone there. Everywhere I see couples wanting to have a baby together. And then there is me. I have no one to lean on and whisper to. I have no one to throw tantrums at. No one to run and buy medicines. And sometimes I just wallow in self pity.

What was the rush G? Why did you have to leave so soon?

Sometimes I just question the whole thing. What the hell am I even doing? Maybe running away IS a better option. Just go somewhere else where no one knows you and start a new life. I’m tired of being patient and waiting and waiting and waiting. I need some results and I need them now. I need my life to move in some direction.

I need something happening. And it had better be a baby.

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9 thoughts on “I know not where I’m headed

  1. It’s good you got some counseling time, it’s one of those things that can feel so exhausting as well though. Walking through the grief is exhausting. I always remember being told “when we crack open that’s to let in the light”. I hope that light shines on you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you :). I guess I just like talking about him. But we have to revisit events, and that’s painful. Makes me cry too. But that helps relieve this constant headache I have. Anyway it can harm and I need to be as stress free as possible for the ET. So seems for the best

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You should talk about him! He was and still is part of who you are! It’s amazing how the world tells us that just because someone is gone that they should never be spoke of again, that we should be “over it” in the 3 days of bereavement leave we are given from our jobs or what-not. Celebrate him, and your relationship, and cherish that – never feel bad about putting your love into words!

        Liked by 1 person

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