Today has been an exceptionally bad day. Draining mentally and physically. I have been out and about since 10am basically walking around in hospital corridors or waiting in icy rooms.
It was 6th day of my IVF cycle. Enough hormones insides to screw around with my head. This time the dose is higher than the previous cycles. I’ve been feeling unwell, nauseated, bloated, and low. That I have a splitting headache doesn’t help either. Back gave out too, with sharp pains every time I move. I’m also sick of watching those couples in the waiting room. I have a feeling my cycle isn’t going well either. What if we aren’t able to get enough eggs this time?
I miss home and I really need to go back. I need familiar surroundings and routine. I need G. I’ve been really missing him and the tears are back. Never have I so desperately wanted a hug. I just want to lie next to him and sleep. But that’s not going to happen, like ever…
Today to while away time I was researching on things that can increase chances of embryo implant. Since I have limited chances, better to stay prepared. Guess what helps? Sex. Many doctors recommend sex before embryo transfer to help improve chances of implantation. Basically exposure to semen helps in some way – T cells etc. – right now too complicated for me. Guess how much semen I have at my disposal – 3 ml – cryofrozen. These findings didn’t help matters either – because I can’t have sex when I want to or in this case when I need to.
I’m generally weepy and I think I’ve shed enough tears today to be dehydrated! G couldn’t stand me crying. If I shed as much as a single tear he’d do anything to make me feel better. Where is he now when I am crying buckets every day?
Something strange is happening though. I’ve been getting glimpses of him in situations that never happened. Seeing him in places and poses I’ve never seen before. So now instead of the morgue, I can also see him as he would have been on that hospital bed when they brought him in. I see him sitting and smiling away near the sea. Or he is looking at me from some car window. That’s us in the picture.
It’s just so unreal. He has to come back. He has to! People shouldn’t be left behind!