I’ve cried buckets since yesterday. It could be the side effect of a new medication – Orgalutron. It could just be that people are morons and I hate everyone. It could be that I have decided to wallow in self pity. The result has been a lot of salt water.
His sample and our one remaining embryo arrived today. I just hope they are okay and didn’t suffer any damage during transport. If the sperm sample is damaged, all this effort is a waste. And that’s just something I hate to think of.
This cycle anyway isn’t looking good. Just 8 follicles – my total would not even be 20 eggs. And this with almost double the dose from last time. That just means I have to undergo another cycle. I don’t know how I’m going to manage that. This one itself has been so tough. The turmoil of emotions, the generally unwell feeling, the long commute – nothing is easy.
My counselor and I spoke about the 5 stages of grief today and how I am still in denial. She said I might be comfortable in it and so not able to get out of it and move towards acceptance. Maybe. She pushed me to answer if I am angry at G. And the answer is clearly no. I am not angry at him. Why should I be? He didn’t want to go. He was taken. And unfairly.
I am angry at the guy who went with him. I am angry that now I have to do everything alone. I am angry at how I have to make compromises now. But I’m not angry at G. And I’m not angry at myself. Does that anger count as the 2nd stage? I don’t know. I hope it does, because I am fuming right now. Some random conversations trigger extreme responses and I suffer. I need to learn how to block this out.
I thought writing this may help. But my eyes are dry and burning and I have no more tears to shed today. And perhaps no sleep either.
I just want to go home.
When will this get over?