I’m not good at reading people

These days I’m getting some mixed signals from my MIL – G’s mum. And I am no good at reading people so I don’t know what they mean.

She was happy to find out that there is a possibility of me having G’s baby. And she’s been very supportive – no question there. But she also wanted the baby to happen quickly – like within a few months so that no untoward questions are raised. We explained that that wasn’t an option. I have to wait it out. I have to use what I have left carefully. I can’t afford to waste anything. And in a stressed state, getting pregnant would be difficult. I think she got it then, and was willing to wait. But then glitches happened – too many of them – causing a lot of delay. I think everyone was hoping i’d have started the embryo transfers by now; but I am not even close.

So I think people are losing patience. Ask me – I have had to be the most patient here. But as things get delayed the want becomes lesser. Not for me – because it’s happening TO me. But others sometimes see it as a quest that serves no purpose. And now that it’s quite a while since G’s been gone, it can’t be hush hush either. If I am pregnant, people will ask questions and will speculate. Not that I care. But she might. And I say might, because I don’t know. It’s going to be her son’s baby so she’s got to want it right?

Still I’ve heard a hesitant note in her voice when we talk about it. She says I’m spoiling my health by doing this and I hear a subtle hint telling me to drop the whole idea. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. Maybe it is a concern for my health that makes her want to stop me. The thing is I don’t know.

The fact remains that I’m not going to drop it for anyone – really. I have to do this for G and for myself and I don’t care about anyone else. If there are too many questions, I’ll just leave. The world is big enough and I am capable enough.

There is 4 months more to wait to get the embryos going. It’s going to be a long long wait. Almost a year to when we started this whole thing. I never knew I had it in me to wait so much. But then, I’ve never wanted anything so desperately!


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