I’m never getting married again

It’s a premature statement. It’s not even something I should be thinking of at this moment. But this was the thought that popped up in my head as I was driving to work today. One thing I’ve noticed is that driving to work isn’t really a great thing for me – I always end up crying. So anyways, I was on my way, listening to this sad song where the couple was promising they cannot live without each other and trying to stop the tears from brimming over, when this thought popped in.

When G was still here, I always wondered how people manage to stay alone. Primarily I thought that about my mom and a dear friend who also lost her husband at a young age. Both women had two kids and haven’t remarried yet. And I always tried to push them to think of it. It was incomprehensible to me why they would not. It had been enough time and being single according to me wasn’t a very desirable place to be in. I had always depended on G to be there and life without a partner to share it with felt strangely empty.

Just shows how little we know and how much we assume!

And now when I am in the same boat I know I’ll never marry again. There won’t be another one to share life with. In fact I have a horrible confession to make. In the days following G’s death, my one thought was – what’s going to happen to me? I can’t be alone. I need a partner. I need to find someone to replace G! Hah! As if that’s possible.

Today I found out for certain that there never will be anyone else. Without even thinking about it, I knew! And so the baby is even more important – because even if I can’t replace G, I still can’t be alone.

I’ll probably never figure out what made the bond between G & I. We were a strange couple, so unlike each other. There were times when we couldn’t stand each other. There were times when we loved each other to the point of craziness. We were downright nasty sometimes and at others it hurt even to see the other one even in slightest discomfort. I’ll never know what it was, but I know I’m never going to have it back again. No one can fill that space, no one can fill his shoes, no one can be what he was to me. (That’s us on our wedding day in the pic).

So yea, I am never getting married again. And now I know why my friend didn’t either. My mom on the other hand is another story…


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