I need a sounding board

Well since mine is gone…

Today was a bad day. Actually make it a lousy week. One of those where decisions hound you, people are morons, and you have nothing going right for you. Plus it is hot as hell. And you are burning money faster than you can make it. On top of that losing stuff!

These are times when you need to just bounce off your anger, frustration, ideas, thoughts, rants and raves at someone. You need a sounding board. You need to just talk it out, not really needing a solution but more an assurance that everything will be okay because that person is there. They will figure it out for you, or at least help you do that.

G was that for me.

So today when I left office in an extremely fucked up state of mind my one thought was to talk to him and figure it out. As I got in my car I gave it very serious thought – I should just pick up the phone and call him.

Of course I didn’t… but I wish I had.

Perhaps when next time this thought strikes me, I’ll just call really. What if he picks up? I don’t  believe in the supernatural… but weird things happen. Why not one that I need to happen?

G & I didn’t agree on many things. Our decisions many a times stemmed from drastically different opinions. But we had the surety that whatever we do, if something goes wrong, the other person is there to manage stuff. It was that confidence that made us quit our jobs and start up our ventures. It was that confidence that decided our life choices – to buy a house or not, to have a baby or not, to invest or spend, where to live, what to do… everything!

I remember one day in Mumbai. We were sitting on the steps of Shoppers Stop near our college. It was around 9-10 at night. We’s just finished dinner and a group of us was sitting and chatting. Somehow the conversation steered towards better halves and of course G & I were THE couple. I remember saying that together we made a better whole. Of course in that moment everyone took it as “better hole” and the rest of it was wild laughter. But I know now how true that statement was. We were better together. In every way. We were better people, better relatives, better us.

And now there is only one half left. Rest are just memories. And I am shit scared that they will fade as I grow older. Right now I can have conversations with him sometimes. I can anticipate how he’s react to something. I can see his facial expressions as he sings along to his favorite songs. All of this may go one day! And then I will really be alone.

I’ve already figured that I won’t be able to marry again. So what does one do? How do you learn to make all decisions alone? How do you learn to live as ONE where always there were TWO? Where do you go when you desperately need a sounding board and no one but him will do?

He had a special kiss for me when I was upset. We never named it. But when I was super stressed or anxious or angry, he’d kiss my forehead. Not just a peck, but a lingering kiss – that sucked out all the negativity from my head. I cannot tell you how it worked – it was like magic – but it worked every time!

I need some stress busting now baby. Fancy coming to give me that kiss? Or are you just going to let me sit here and cry?

Didn’t you hate it when I cried?

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2 thoughts on “I need a sounding board

  1. All I can say is right now you feel like you won’t ever be able to marry again, but I encourage you to keep your heart open for the future. Not now, of course, as you are still grieving and will continue to, but give yourself the promise of a future that will include finding love again. It is something you deserve and I’m betting he would want for you as well.

    In the meantime, nothing like still talking to him! I still have conversations with my father, catching him up on things going on in my life, as he never got to meet my husband, our kids, if they happen, will never have grandfathers (both our fathers are dead), and it helps me process and maintain that relationship.

    Your blog is a beautiful one – keep writing the book of Your Love, it will be great to show your children someday (because I have a feeling in one way or another they will find their way to you)…

    Liked by 1 person

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