There are times when life leaves you helpless. When you can do nothing but shed some tears and rant and rave against the hand dealt out to you. When your hopes, dreams, plans come crashing down one after the other and you can do nothing but stand on the sidelines and watch.
There are times when you wish there was time travel so you could go back and change the course of life. Where you could make different choices; better choices to live a better life. Where you could stop him from going that day…
Everything that we dreamed of together is coming to an end. I hate to think that in some time there will be nothing left of US – it’ll be just me, trying to find traces of him in a cupboardful of clothes and some random things I managed to save – a matchbox, a piece of paper, an almost empty bottle of body spray, some business cards…
I hate how his cupboard now smells of naptha balls instead of him. I hate that I can’t see the restaurant sign lit up from our window. I hate that we are dragging our feet on his dream beach villas. But I am helpless. We all are. This is the course things have taken. We cannot do the effort it’ll take to step in to his shoes. We have living to go – and that takes up all our energies. Living is the most difficult thing right now.
We all try and find distractions to not lose ourselves in thinking about the gap he’s left. But sometimes the distractions just aren’t enough. Sometimes he is needed so desperately – if only to say “Don’t worry baby, I’ll handle it”. And when that need comes on – I am helpless.
I hate not being able to do anything. I hate to see everything he worked for wiped away. And I don’t know how to stop it!
So here I am – crying a river like a useless weak wastrel. I am angry at myself for letting go so easily. For chickening out and taking the easy way. And then I tell myself that this is not important. The real piece of us is not the restaurant or the beach villa or this house. The real piece of us will be the baby when it comes. And I just have to focus on that, even if everything else collapses along the way!
I just wish this wasn’t a choice I had to make. I just wish he was here still. I wish I wasn’t writing this blog!