I went for a very dear friend’s baby shower today. She was pregnant in August, the same time that I would have been had my first ET worked. So essentially this could have been a shower for me too… just that it wasn’t.
But I went happily, the 2 margaritas that I tucked away helped maintain that mood. It was while coming back that the situation smacked me in the face! I was thinking of G, how he was a couple of days before his death – in his black shirt, long curly locks still wet from the shower, grinning at the prospect of a party night ahead. I was thinking how beautiful he looked. And then of course the thoughts wandered to how beautiful our baby would be. Would have been in the next 2 months. And I’d be glowing with progesterone overdose right now and refusing alcohol.
The conversation was around everyone’s experiences around childbirth, what did the dads do, and I was just thinking how am I going to go about it. A friend of mine says I think too far ahead – thinking up names already, the procedure I want, the doctor, who’s going in the OT with me. I’m working on too many details and I might be disappointed.
Well one thing I think I’ve learnt is how to deal with disappointments. It’s actually a laughable term now. If I can deal so well (as people say) with G’s going, I can deal with anything!
So long story short, I wanted this to be mine and it wasn’t. There’s disappointment right there. What must one do? Fill in the gap some other way. So now I’m contemplating getting a dog. Though that might be a bad idea on many levels. Let’s see. What do you think? Should I, should I not?