A colorless Holi

Tomorrow is Holi – the festival of color. One that G & I loved. We’d always have a Holi party at our house, we’d get a sackful of colors and line up Holi goodies for snacking. For our first Holi in our new house (2o13), G bought 30 liters of Thandai – a cooling, milk based drink – and served it up on tap! Traditionally Bhaang is added to it, but considering the variety of guests we kept it straight.

We played dirty, using water based colors that would stick to your skin and not come off after days of bathing. I’d cover myself with oil to prevent this, and he’ll carry a bottle full of soap water to wash me off before coloring me. That’s us in the pic, all colored up in a horrendous green – in the house we’s just moved in, with no furniture. We lined the floor with newspapers to avoid getting color everywhere, but weren’t really successful. There was color everywhere and we kept cleaning for days!

It was one of the many Holi celebrations we’d had over the years. In college we played with mud and eggs – though I stayed out of that part. We’d be colored from head to toe, wet and shivering, sometimes high, and we’d roam the streets in a group of bikes yelling “Holi Hai” at the passers by. We’d drag reluctant friends out from their homes and color them till they retaliated and got in the spirit of the festival. For some we’d add the dry color to their hair when they weren’t looking and then just spray them with water to see the color soak through.

Oh the preparations we made days before! Choosing what clothes to wear, because once you play Holi in a set of clothes, they are never going to be used again. Oiling ourselves, mixing colors in bottles, figuring out a water supply. It was so much fun!

And tomorrow none of this would happen. It’ll be the first Holi after he’s gone. And I don’t see much use for colors now. There was a small celebration in my office today – a Holi party. Some food and colors. I’m glad I stayed home today. If they had sprung that up on me while I was there I probably couldn’t have taken it. Just hearing about people celebrating made my head ache.

There just cannot be Holi without G. I don’t even want to acknowledge the festival. I don’t want to say Happy Holi to anyone and I don’t want to meet people. It’s probably for the best that I have work lined up. It’ll take my mind off things and perhaps I won’t snap at people.

I’ll probably have to get used to this? Him not being around for important days. Days that were happy. When we celebrated. When we lived. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose the feel of things that were when he was here. I don’t want to face the world alone.

It hurts me to say this – especially when so many people are going out of their way to make me happy, to give me company, and to help me heal – but I have never in my life felt so alone. Finally when push comes to shove, it’s going to be just me, when once there was assurance that he’ll always stand by my side – no matter what. There is so much I need to talk about, so many things that need his attention, such a need to hear endearments and names that only he called me by.

What I wouldn’t give to hear from him after an awesome colorfest – “Oi <<E>>, mazaa aa gaya!”

Just a word of caution – don’t mess with me tomorrow. I may bite.


6 thoughts on “A colorless Holi

  1. I’m thinking of you.

    I was going to write the firsts are so hard. But who am I, kidding it’s all hard. One day you will see little glimpses of colour again and I look forward to the day when I can hear about it. For now but, hold on to those memories – hold them really tight. Thank you for sharing.

    For your first Holi try to do something for you – however small that thing may be. Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I was thinking of doing something for kids – going to an orphanage with some food and color. I’ll be calling up a few places to see if that works. I think that’ll make me feel better.


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